Bear

3 responses to “Bear”

• barbaraanneoneill
  March 13th, 2014 at 12:15 pm

  This analogy blew me away, and struck a familiar chord within me. My abusive ex tried to control everything about me more and more as time went on. I couldn’t really see that until I had a nervous breakdown, was hospitalized, and lost almost everything I thought I had. I bled profusely, and even now the blood still trickles out. I got away from him after 23 years of marriage, but at a terrible cost. I am, however; in a better place than ever.

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  • Steve Hauptman
    March 13th, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Congratulations on your escape. It’s hard for people who’ve never experienced it to understand the distorted thinking that goes on in an abusive relationship. From the outside it just looks like A keeps treating B badly and B keeps submitting to it. But in my experience abuse is more often a dance in which both partners collude, a dance driven by compulsive controlling on both sides. The goal of B (the victim) is usually to get A to change, to become more patient or happy or healthy or loving. This almost always fails. And the dance usually continues until B realizes that escape from this madness requires giving up the illusion of this sort of control.

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    • barbaraanneoneill
      March 17th, 2014 at 4:26 pm

      Yes, Steve you are so right. The thing is, after I posted my above comment about my controlling husband I realized I was just as controlling as him because I really believed I could change him if I just . . . . . . . fill in all the blanks. I thought if I controlled myself I could control him. Giving up the desperate need to make him better made myself worse. I stayed way longer than I should have because I tried way harder than I should have. I guess I wouldn’t believe you can only change yourself.

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