bert (1)

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Feeling depressed?

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A little.

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How bad?

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Mild.

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therapist (3)

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My energy is low.

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therapist (4)

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My appetite is off.

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therapist (5)

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I’m not sleeping well.

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therapist (6)

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I’m anxious.

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therapist (7)

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I’m irritable.

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therapist (8)

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My self-esteem is in the toilet.

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therapist (9)

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And I feel like crying.

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therapist (10)

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bert (11)

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Jeez, Bert. 

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bert (12)

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That all sounds pretty painful.

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bert (13)

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If you call this “mild” depression…

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bert (14)

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…what’s “severe” look like?

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bert (15)

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Oh.

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* * *

bert (1)

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therapist (1)

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bert (2)

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therapist (2)

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bert (3)

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therapist (3)

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bert (4)

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therapist (4)

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bert (5)

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th5

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bert (6)

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therapist (6)

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bert (7)

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bert

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4th

So tell me.

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bert

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When did you start…

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bert

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…having mood swings?

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I have low self esteem.  I want high self-esteem.

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therapist (1)

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Can you help me with that?

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Nope.

therapist (2)

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Why not?

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I don’t believe in it.

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High self-esteem?

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Right.  It’s a myth.

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Why?2

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People think they’re supposed have it.  Then they feel inadequate when they don’t.

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bert (6)

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But I’ve never had it, and I’ve never known anyone who has.

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Really?

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Really.

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Some people say they have it.

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Yeah.  I don’t believe them.  I assume they’re lying.  Or… 

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… they’re narcissists, hiding a secret emptiness.  Or…

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…they just lack self-awareness.

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How so?

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Anyone with self-awareness knows how screwed-up they are.

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ber

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They know how often they operate out of ignorance, and selfishness, and fear… 

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bert

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…how regularly they fall short of their own aspirations…

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bert

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…and they can provide you with a long list of their mistakes, failures and disappointments.  1

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bert (11)

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If they can’t, they’re in denial.  Because screwed-up is the human condition. 

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And “high self-esteem” is an unrealistic goal.  So stop chasing it.1

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What should I chase instead?

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Try self-acceptance. 

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What’s the difference? 14)

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Self-esteem says, “I’m wonderful.” Self-acceptance says, “I’m not wonderful, but I can live with it.”1

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Sorry to disappoint you.

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….

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th

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bert

I can live with it.

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* * *

So let me get this straight.

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therapist (1)

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Trying to control life means fighting reality…

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therapist (2)

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…which becomes an endless battle…

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therapist (3)

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…you can never win.

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Yep.

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So chasing control means a life of frustration and disappointment.

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Sure.  That’s the problem with any addiction.

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bert (6)

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You spend your life chasing the wrong thing.

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I always knew my life was missing something.

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therapist (7)

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But I thought that something was more control.

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Think again.

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What else could it be?

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Peace of mind?

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bert (10)

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Real intimacy?

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bert (11)

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Personal power?

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bert

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Joy? 

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All of those sound good.  Why do you mention them?

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They’re four things you can’t experience as long as you’re chasing control.

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Really?

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Really.

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Shit.

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therapist

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Have I been shopping at the wrong Wal-Mart.

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 bert (1).

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 So what do you want out of therapy?

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Two things, I guess. 

To be less lonely…

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therapist (2).

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…and to be more in control.

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Huh.

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What?

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 That’s a line from a movie.

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What I said about control?

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Right.  Ordinary People,1980.  Depressed kid says it to his therapist. 

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What does the therapist say?

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He tells him to come twice a week.  “Control is a tough nut,” he says. 

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You agree?

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Actually, no.111

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bert (8).

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It’s an impossible nut. 

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Why impossible?

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Because we can’t have it, and we can’t stop wanting it.

 

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bert (10)

 

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Like a itch you can’t stop scratching, but scratching only makes the itch worse.

 

 

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I know.

 

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You know?

 

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Yeah.  I’ve always wanted more control than I had.  I guess I always will.

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Sounds familiar.

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 What’s wrong with me?

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You’re a control addict.  A.k.a., a normal human being.

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An ordinary people.

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Correct.  Well, it sort of solves your other problem.

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My loneliness?bert (15).

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Sure. 

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bert

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Welcome to the majority.

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So you think I’m addicted to control.

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Yes.

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Because you think everyone is.

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I do.

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And why is that?

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Because we’re unsatisfiable.

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We carry this picture in our heads of the reality we want…

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…which we constantly compare to the reality we have.

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And when the two don’t match — which is most of the time — 

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…we try to change the reality we have.

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Which means most of the time we’re fighting reality.

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Which is a fight we can’t win.

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And that’s “controlling”?

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Well, that’s what I call it.

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Buddhists call it attachment.

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So I’m unhappy because I fight reality…

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…instead of learning to live with it.  Right.

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Well…

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…I think that’s crap.

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I think your theory is New Age bullshit.

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And I think I’m in therapy with the wrong therapist.

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See?

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There you go again.

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* * *

Life is just like a chess game.

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How so?

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Well, it’s all about learning to be careful…

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…and planning ahead…

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…and anticipating what’s going to happen…

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…so you can make the right moves…

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…and get control of the board.  Which is what the game’s all about, ultimately.

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Control of the board.

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Right.

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And that’s the goal of life.  Controlling the board.

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Of course.

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I see.  And when you get control of the board, what happens then?

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You win.

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And then what?

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The game ends.

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And then?

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Then nothing.  Game over.

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Oh.

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What are you thinking?

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Just that the goal of all that controlling is…nothing. 

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What do you mean?

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Getting control doesn’t leave you with anything.  In the end, I mean.

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I don’t follow.

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Whether you get control of the board or not — whether you “win” or “lose” — the game ends.   For both players.

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Oh.  Yeah.  I guess. 

 

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So I guess I agree with you.

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About what?

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When it comes to controlling…

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…life’s just like chess.

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* * *

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