I’ve been doing some thinking.
You know, the way you do when you’re hurting.
Or when life is pushing you hard.
I’ve been asking myself questions,
and discovering some answers.
I don’t love them all.
But they work.
They teach me why I do what I do,
and why I feel what I feel.
So I’m saving them here, for when I forget.
And sharing them with you, on the off chance
that you have some of the same questions too,
and that your life may sometimes
feel like mine.
love,
~ Bert
The Questions
Why do I people-please?
Because I’m scared.
Scared you won’t like me.
Scared you won’t accept me.
Scared you’ll reject me somehow.
So I do things for you so you’ll think
I’m considerate and kind.
Of course, kindness and people-pleasing
are two different things.
Kindness is a gift.
People-pleasing is manipulation.
And it seems to work.
When I do it, you smile and you thank me.
That feels nice.
I relax for a moment.
But the next time I feel rejectable,
I have to people-please again.
And again.
And again.
And after a while I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
I don’t even realize I have a choice.
Or that the way to escape this monkeytrap I’ve created
isn’t to become selfish.
It’s learning to tolerate the idea of disapproval.
And to practice being myself.
Why Can’t I Say No?
Because No is dangerous.
Because you want me to say Yes.
And I’m not sure what happens
if I don’t say what you want me to say.
I can’t believe you’d be okay with it.
I know you’ll be disappointed.
You might even be angry.
Or hate me.
Or reject me right there and then.
And it won’t matter if you tell me
No would be perfectly fine.
I’d still worry about punishment later.
Because when I was a kid
punishment always came later.
You disappointed people at your peril.
And I hated peril.
I hated feeling nervous and scared,
and like I lived on thin ice that could
easily give way.
So I learned Yes early.
So many Yesses since then I can’t count them.
But I’m sick and tired of Yesses.
So sick and tired I don’t even care
if the ice starts to crack,
and I fall into the cold water
of your disapproval.
Because I’m thinking,
fuck it,
time to learn how to swim.
