July 18, 2014
Isn’t/is
7 responses to “Isn’t/is”
Leave a Reply
Steve & Bert
COMING SOON: An expanded 2nd edition
CLICK HERE TO ORDER MONKEYTRAPS (THE BOOK)
Follow the conversation:
-
-
-
-
BERT’S IN THERAPY. To listen in, click on his nose.
July 18th, 2014 at 12:08 am
Steve,
I have struggled at times because I know that there are times when I have been caretaking because being useful was the only way I believed I could stay in relationship, so it is manipulative. “I’m taking care of you, so you can’t send me away.” As I have healed and gotten more healthy, I do find myself reaching out and gaining a lot of satisfaction from helping other people through a variety of outlets. So I have a question for you. How do you tell the difference between caretaking and nurturance. I sometimes struggle (ha! sometimes, try often!) with my motivation and want to be acting out of healthy motives. I would really appreciate anything you have to say on about it. Thanks! AG
July 18th, 2014 at 8:16 am
Nurturance is giving, caretaking (as the word implies) is taking.
Nurturance comes from fullness and love, caretaking from emptiness and fear.
Nurturance comes without strings or expectations; caretaking expects to be rewarded.
Nurturance genuinely focuses on meeting the needs of another; caretaking secretly focuses on meeting the needs of the caretaker.
Nurturers value themselves and practice self-care; caretakers neglect themselves and lose themselves in relationships.
Nurturance is energizing, caretaking is exhausting.
Nurturance promotes inner peace, caretaking creates anxiety.
Nurturance is active and assertive; caretaking is worried and obsessive.
Nurturance admires strength and independence in another; caretaking finds those qualities threatening.
Nurturance is accepting, caretaking is judgmental.
Nurturance respects boundaries, caretaking crosses them.
Nurturance waits to be asked for help; caretaking leaps in without invitation.
Nurturance is mindful and self-aware; caretaking is unconscious and compulsive.
The nurturer’s goal is to become unnecessary; the caretaker’s goal is to find security in being needed.
Told “Thanks, I won’t need your help anymore,” the nurturer feels gratified (My work here is done); the caretaker feels hurt, rejected and/or panicked (What do I do now?)
July 19th, 2014 at 12:51 pm
Steve,
Thank you so much for such a clear and thoughtful response, I really appreciate it. I love this list because it provides a way to check in with my feelings in hope of getting a clear picture of my motivations. I can honestly say that sometimes I care take and sometimes I offer nurturance (hmm, just the fact that we “offer:” nurturance says something about it, doesn’t it?). And now I am going to work on accepting my humanness and not beat myself up for the times I’ve sought to meet my own needs in a manipulative way. 🙂 I so appreciate your clarity around this stuff. ~ AG
July 19th, 2014 at 2:06 pm
Thanks, AG. Glad it was helpful. Also that you’re cutting yourself some slack. Escaping control addiction is like learning to ride a bike: we learn how to do it right by first doing it wrong.
July 18th, 2014 at 2:52 am
Wot? You mean I have based my self-worth- “I am a good person”- on being frightened and manipulative? AAARGHHHHH!!!!
July 19th, 2014 at 12:45 am
Tattoo this one on my forehead.
July 19th, 2014 at 2:06 pm
Consider yourself tatooed. 🙂