Chapter 31: Seriousness

Adult children take themselves

very seriously.

.

Childhood felt like an emotional war zone to me.

Live in a war zone long enough and you tend to internalize it and carry it around inside you.

Carrying a war zone makes you anxious.

So I evolved from being an anxious kid to being a chronically anxious adult.

And chronic anxiety makes you pretty damn serious. 

It hijacks your attention, steals your energy, keeps you wary and preoccupied. 

And since my worst fear was other people and their power to hurt me, I lived in fear of being disliked, judged or rejected. 

I scanned constantly for signs that any of those things were about to happen.

I dreaded vulnerability and embarrassment and humiliation.  

In short, I remained permanently on guard.

Play?

Dance?

Act silly?

Be spontaneous?  

Take emotional or creative risks?

God, no. 

I wore my seriousness like armor against rejection and other emotional disasters.