The psychology of shit

Whatever we don’t own, owns us. ~ Carl Jung

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Among recovering people, and in the lexicon

of nearly every therapist I know, the single

most common word used to describe unfinished

emotional business is shit.

Not surprising. It’s a good metaphor.

Consider:

Actual shit is a waste product, what’s left

undigested after our systems process nourishment.

Emotional shit is what’s left undigested after

human beings process (or can’t process)

emotional experiences.

Actual shit is smelly and unpleasant.

So is emotional shit.

Actual shit, when it collects inside you,

makes you very uncomfortable.

So does emotional shit.

Releasing actual shit is an enormous relief.

Ditto the emotional version.

The biggest difference between them is

that most people instinctually know what

to do with actual shit.

They know they need to expel it from the

body on a regular basis.

And they know that if they don’t they’ll

get sick.

But many people don’t know that about

emotional shit.

They think the way to handle it is to hide it,

keep it inside, store it up.

Then they don’t understand why they go

around feeling shitty.

They’re emotionally constipated.

Emotional constipation can produce all sorts

of symptoms, like anxiety and depression

and anger and addiction.

Also high blood pressure, headaches, backaches,

gastrointestinal distress and exhaustion.

Also arguments and violence and worse.

Perhaps most importantly, this is how our

inner Kids get wounded.

We’re not born constipated. We’re born as healthy

little animals, able to trust what our bodies tell us

and automatically expel waste products.

Then in childhood we begin hearing messages like

Quiet down and Big boys don’t cry or Don’t cry

or I’ll give you something to cry about.

Surrounded by giants on whom we depend for

food, shelter, love and security, we have no

choice but to follow such instructions.

Voila: Constipation.

And why, exactly, does emotional constipation

make us feel shitty?

“When feelings are denied or kept inside there

is typically a buildup of physical tension,”

psychologist Paul Foxman explains.

An accumulation of such pressure

leads to anxiety, due to fears of

losing control emotionally. That

condition also triggers anxiety

because of its physiological similarity

to the fight/flight response, which

is normally associated with danger.

Thus our personality creates a paradox

in which we deny feelings to prevent

anxiety but experience anxiety

when we deny our feelings.*

There’s one more consequence of constipation

worth remembering:

It makes it impossible to feel like an adult.

Feeling adult means feeling healthy and strong

enough to be yourself. That includes being

able to notice your feelings — even the smelly

ones — and take responsibility instead of

hiding them.

Taking responsibility means learning to

express feelings in appropriate ways, ways

that leaving you feeling empowered,

not constipated.

Hiding feelings is what kids do. So no matter

how old we are, to the extent we feel compelled

to hide our feelings from others, we are going

to feel like kids inside.

Adults can, in the jargon of recovery, own

their shit.

Of course there’s more to adulthood than

this one ability.

Owning your shit doesn’t automatically

make you a grownup.

But you can’t start feeling like a grownup

until you start owning your shit.

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*Foxman, Paul. Dancing with fear: Overcoming anxiety in a world of stress and uncertainty. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 1996.

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