.

New client this week. 

As always, I ask what she wants

out of therapy.

“Just to be happy” she shrugs.

I smile encouragingly. 

Inside I sigh,

Good luck with that.

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Most people I meet aren’t happy,

and most of them don’t know why. 

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So here’s a brief guide to the

mechanics of unhappiness.

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If you’re unhappy, it may be because:

1. You misdefine happiness.

You think it comes from getting what you

want. But real happiness comes from

getting what you need.

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2. You don’t know what you need. 

You’ve been trained to chase the wrong stuff,

like money or success or possessions or status

or the approval of others, and that’s where

you spend all your time and energy.

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3. In chasing the wrong stuff, you

hide or forget who you are. 

In chasing success, for example, you may

work too hard at being what others want

you to be instead of who you are.

Or in chasing love and approval you may

bury your feelings, instead of listening

to them for information about what you

really need. 

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4. You think instead of feel. 

Thinking your way through life can leave

you dominated by monkeymind.

Monkeymind is the Buddhist metaphor for

normal human consciousness, which,

like a monkey swinging from tree to tree,

swings ceaselessly from thought to thought

to thought, and dwells in the past and future

instead of the here-and-now. And since past

is just a memory and future just a fantasy,

here/now is the only place happiness can

be found.

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5. You’re still following Plan A.

Plan A is my label for everything we learn

as kids about life and how to live it.

We each have a Plan A, and we each

learn in the same place and the same way.

The place is our family, and the way

is unconsciously. Nobody sits us down

at the kitchen table and says, “Listen up,

kid, here’s how you do Life.”  They just

do Life themselves, and we watch and

listen and soak it all up like little sponges. 

And it works for a while, especially while

we’re living in our family of origin.

But Plan A always breaks down.

That happens down when we move

beyond the family into a world filled

with new people and new problems,

and discover that what worked at

home doesn’t always work out there.

That what we needed as kids isn’t

what we need now as adults.

That we’re like tourists trying to

navigate around New York City

with a street map of Chicago.

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6. You fight reality. 

You keep trying to edit people,

situations, outcomes and the future

into the versions you need or would

prefer. And when we fight reality,

guess what usually wins?

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7. You don’t see how controlling

you are.

What do I mean by controlling?

Look at it this way:

From moment to moment, each of us

carries in our heads a picture of the

reality we want.  And we’re constantly

comparing that picture to the reality

we have.  Everything we do to bring

those pictures closer together —

whether we do it in public or in the

privacy of our most secret thoughts —

it’s what I mean by controlling. 

See it yet?

Add this, then:

Discomfort of any sort — physical,

mental, emotional, spiritual, everything

from agony to an itch — amounts to a

signal that the two pictures don’t match.

And we respond to that signal

automatically. 

So wherever there’s discomfort there’s

controlling. 

And we all know how uncomfortable

life can be. 

Controlling, in short, is as reflexive and

inevitable a response as slapping

a mosquito that’s biting you. 

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See it now?

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