Tag Archives: control

September 19, 2026

Power

By Steve Hauptman

.

No, control and power are not

the same thing.

.

Control means being able

to dictate reality. To force

life itself — people, situations,

outcomes — to meet our needs

and satisfy our expectations.

.

But power means being able 

to take care of yourself.

.

To get your needs met without

losing yourself in the process.

.

To not just survive, but to heal,

and grow, and be happy.

.

They’re not just different,

control and power.

.

Sometimes they’re opposites:

.

~ Power is a real possibility,

where control is often an illusion.

~ Power is healthy, where

controlling if often pathological.

~ Power generates energy, where

controlling drains it.

~ Power is rooted in self-acceptance

and self-confidence, where controlling

grows out of insecurity and fear.

~ Power makes you stronger; controlling

weakens you, can even make you sick.

~ Power attracts people to one another,

where controlling tends to drive them apart.

.

But the most important difference

between them is,

~ Power is something only adults can

develop, where controlling is the basic

survival skill of kids.

.

Think about it. If I’m a kid, I can’t

take care of myself. I need big people

for that – to feed me, clothe me, protect

me, love me. Without big people, I die.

.

And because I know this at the

deepest level, I learn early on to stay

on their good side. To please and

appease them, avoid their anger,

meet their expectations. To be what

big people want me to be, instead

of who I am.

.

This is inevitable.

.

It’s also how control addicts are born.

.

Because control addicts keep feeling

and functioning like kids instead of

developing personal power. They keep

pleasing and appeasing and manipulating

the way children do. Or they try to hide

their insecurity behind dominating or

bullying or abuse.

.

What they don’t do is come out

of hiding, reveal both their strength

and their vulnerability, never learn

to be themselves out loud.

.

Externally they look like adults. Inside

they still feel like kids who need support,

approval or permission from big people.

.

Recovery is about reversing this.

.

Recovery is about finally growing up inside.

*

Adapted from the forthcoming Second Editon:

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September 6, 2026

Why can’t I stop controlling?

By Steve Hauptman

.

Because it works.

Or seems to.

.

Hey, I’ve learned a lot about control.

Like how important it is to me.

How I like when I have it,

and hate when I don’t.

How this makes me

look for it everywhere,

both when I know that I’m looking

and when I do not.

.

How deep down I still believe

that having control

is the only way

to feel safe emotionally.

.

And how many of my problems come

from this stubborn unconscious belief.

.

Especially problems I have in

relationships,

with other people who hate

being controlled.

.

And problems that come from

overcontrolling my own feelings,

from swallowing or hiding them,

even from myself.

.

How a life based on control-seeking

is ultimately exhausting,

like swimming endlessly

against a strong tide.

.

And how constantly trying

to edit reality

according to my needs and

my preferences

leaves me not powerful but weak.

.

Since whenever I fight reality,

reality always wins.

.

So why do I keep doing it?

.

As I said, because it works.

For a moment, it works.

.

In that moment, it seems to

promise relief.

In that moment, I feel like I’ve

solved something,

found a remedy for discomfort

or pain.

.

I haven’t, of course.

The moment passes.

The discomfort returns.

The sense of control evaporates.

.

Which means I must seek it again.

Just as any addict must,

when the anesthesia wears off.

.

And I’m starting to notice this.

I mean, really notice how brief

the relief is,

and how inevitable is the

pain’s return.

.

I’m beginning to notice the cycle,

and to hear me whisper to myself,

Here we go again.

.

And then to step back and

consider alternatives.

.

Like not controlling people,

but letting them be as they are.

Like not strangling feelings,

but letting them arrive

and depart on their own.

Like not controlling the future

by filling it with plans,

goals and promises,

but letting it simply unfold.

.

All this means, I think, that

I may be approaching

what they call a bottom —

that place of recognition

where you can’t do

what you’ve been doing

for one second more,

where the pain of fixing endlessly

swamps the fear of giving up the fix.

.

I’m not there yet.

But I’m closer.

.

And frankly, I can’t wait

to arrive.

Because after all this controlling

I really could use

a rest.

.

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May 22, 2026

The Red Thread, part 1

By Steve Hauptman

How I discovered control addiction

So I’m giving this talk, and suddenly

realize I don’t know what I’m talking about.

.

I’m a new social worker, six months out

of grad school, working for a clinic attached

to a rehab.  My new boss has decided I’m 

the best one to run the weekly Family

Education Series, basically a crash course

in alcoholism and how it screws up families. 

.

And tonight’s topic is codependency.

.

I know the topic well enough.  I’ve worked

as an alcoholism counselor, treated hundreds

of codependents, can diagnose one after

five minutes of conversation. 

.

But when I went to prepare this talk I found

I couldn’t define the word. 

.

At work we talked about codependency 

without ever stopping to explain what

we meant.   And when I looked into my

half-dozen books on the subject I found

each defining it in a different way. 

.

One was:

A specific condition characterized by

preoccupation and extreme dependence

on another person, activity, group,

idea, or substance. [1]

.

Another:

An  emotional, psychological, and

behavioral condition that develops

as a result of an individual’s prolonged

exposure to, and practice of, a set

of oppressive rules. [2]

.

A third:

A multidimensional (physical, mental,

emotional and spiritual) condition

manifested by any suffering and

dysfunction that is associated with

or due to focusing on the needs

and behavior of others. [3]

.

A fourth:

A recognizable pattern of personality

traits, predictably found within most

members of chemically dependent

families, which are capable of creating

sufficient dysfunction to warrant the

diagnosis of Mixed Personality Disorder

as outlined in DSM-III [4],

.

which sent me off to yet another book

to learn what the hell that meant.

.

Finally I came to codependency maven

Melody Beattie, who explained that a

codependent is simply

.

a person who has let another person’s

behavior affect him or her, and who is

obsessed with controlling that person’s

behavior. [5]

.

A fine definition.  Until I noticed it

describes just about everyone.

.

Having no idea which definition

would be best to offer my workshop, I

cleverly decided to present them all.

.

So here I am, having just done that. 

I’ve distributed a handout with the

five definitions on it, and read them

aloud, and am now looking at a

roomful of confused faces.

.

A man in a brown corduroy jacket

raises his hand.  I nod back.

.

“So what the hell is codependency?”

he asks.

.

Everyone laughs.

.

I laugh too.  (Inside I’m thinking

Shoot me now.) 

.

Then I shrug and hear myself say,

“Addiction to control.”

.

I am surprised at myself.  I’ve never

thought of it this way before. 

.

*

But Corduroy starts asking questions,

and answers are coming to me, and

it’s all making a new sort of sense. 

.

I explain that I see codependents as 

traumatized people convinced their

survival depends on controlling the

effects of “their” alcoholic’s illness. 

So they do things like hide booze and

avoid dad at certain times of the day 

and lie to his boss about why he missed

work or to the neighbors about why he

fell asleep in the driveway.  From all

these experiences they come to depend

on control as a way of coping generally, 

and set about applying it to everything

and everyone in their lives, to the point

where it makes them sick. 

.

“Sick how?” Corduroy frowns. 

.

Mainly anxious and depressed, I say. 

But also worried, and tense, and irritable,

and unable to relax or have fun, or identify 

and express feelings, or trust anyone, or

like themselves.  And self-medicating with

food or work or helping other people or

whatever else they can think of. 

.

And now Corduroy is nodding thoughtfully,

and so are others in the room, and I know

I’m onto something.

.

(To be continued.)

___________________ 

[1] Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse,

ChoiceMaking: For co-dependents, 

adult children and spirituality s

eekers (Health Communications, 1985).

[2] Robert Subby, Lost in the shuffle:

The co-dependent reality, quoted in

Whitfield (see below).

[3] Charles Whitfield, Co-dependence:

Healing the human condition (Health

Communications, 1991).  

[4] Timmen Cermak, Diagnosing

and treating co-dependence (Johnson

Institute, 1986).

[5] Melody Beattie, Codependent

no more (Harper/Hazelden, 1987).

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May 21, 2026

The smell of the bait

By Steve Hauptman

.

Last night I replayed a conversation

for the eleventh time.

.

I was trying to get it right.

.

Not the conversation itself; that

was over and done with.

.

But how I felt about it.

.

I did not feel good.

.

So I reviewed

(a) what I said,

(b) what I should have said,

(c) what I shouldn’t have said,

(d) what the other person said,

(e) what they really meant,

(f) what they might be thinking now.

.

Each pass gave me a flicker of relief.

A sense that I was getting closer

to something.

.

But the longer I stayed with it,

the crappier I felt.

.

Which told me I was monkeytrapped.

.

By now you’re probably familiar with

this analogy:

A banana is placed inside a jar with a

neck just wide enough for the monkey’s

paw to slip inside. The monkey grabs

the fruit, then finds its clenched fist is

too large to pull back out. It could free

itself easily; it just has to let go. But it

really really wants that banana. So it

hangs on. And it’s still hanging on when

the trappers come to collect it.

.

That’s a literal monkeytrap.

I write about the psychological version:

any situation which tempts us to hang

on when we really should let go.

Any discomfort which pulls us to try

and control what can’t or shouldn’t

be controlled.

.

Last night I was hooked by the promise

that if I just thought a bit longer,

analyzed more carefully, revisited

the conversation one more time, I’d

finally feel better — less tense, or

uncertain, or uneasy, or guilty, or

whatever the hell it was that I

was feeling.

.

Relief seemed just one more attempt away.

.

And then I noticed something new:

I’d been trapped by the smell of the

banana.

.

It was the irresistable smell of relief

that kept me obsessing over that

conversation, long after I should

have realized that its promise of

relief was a lie.

.

And lately this is something I’ve

come to see more and more clearly

in my work with clients:

.

Monkeytraps trap us because they work.

.

Just for a moment, they work. There’s

this tiny flicker of relief that comes

from replaying, analyzing, obsessing,

rechecking feelings, trying to think

our way into certainty.

.

Just enough relief to answer the inner

voice whispering You need to fix this.

.

So we set about trying to fix, and it

feels like we’re doing something,

clarifying something, moving toward

some kind of answer.

.

That moment is the hook. Because

the flicker of relief is real.

.

Then it fades. And we have to grab

for it again.

.

And again.

.

Psychologists call this negative

reinforcement. Negative refers to

removing something unpleasant,

reinforcement to encouraging the

behavior that removed it.

.

Translation: Controlling behavior

relieves just enough discomfort to

lead us into more controlling behavior.

.

It’s what makes controlling an addiction.

.

So it’s the smell of the bait that leads

us to review the conversation one more

time, or read another person’s mind,

or ask others what they think, or

doubt our perceptions, or beat

ourselves up for mistakes, or …

.

You know.

.

Over time, this becomes less of a choice

and more of a reflex. The moment

something feels off we move automatically

into managing it, or trying to.

.

Anyway. Last night all this flashed through

my mind pretty quickly, like a sudden

mental ZIP download.

.

Followed by one of my favorite aphorisms:

Where you put you attention is what grows.

.

So I took a deep breath, and suspended

the replay

.

I felt around in my body.

Found a small tightness in my chest.

.

It was the discomfort I had been

trying to fix.

.

Now I just looked at it.

Just looked.

.

I imagined it as a rubber band around

my heart.

.

I took another breath.

.

I kept looking.

.

There was no dramatic shift, no

immediate relief or resolution.

.

But the rubber band began to loosen.

Not all at once, and not completely.

.

But I felt better.

.

Not because I had figured anything

out.

.

Because I’d stopped trying to.

.

.

Bert and I recently began

publishing on Substack.

Come follow us.

https://substack.com/@stevehauptman

.

.

.

.

.

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May 17, 2026

Welcome to Monkeytraps (the Substack version)

By Steve Hauptman

.

I recently began publishing on Substack,

and this is the Welcome I posted there.

Come follow me.

https://substack.com/@stevehauptman

.

Welcome to Monkeytraps

.

My name is Steve, and there’s someone else

you should meet before we go any further.

.

His name is Bert.

.

Bert is my inner monkey — the part of me

that worries constantly, avoids feelings, replays

conversations at 2 am, and is absolutely convinced

that if he just thinks hard enough, plans carefully

enough, and controls enough of what happens

around him, everything will finally be okay.

.

He’s been with me for seventy years. I only

started noticing him about ten years ago.

.

He did not appreciate that.

.

He prefers to remain unnoticed.

x

If you’re in therapy, or in recovery, or just

quietly exhausted by the effort it takes to

manage everything, then you probably

have a Bert too.

.

Maybe yours is louder. Maybe quieter.

.

Maybe yours shows up as people-pleasing,

or rage, or a to-do list that never ends, or

a glass of wine at the end of every day

because that’s the only thing that makes

the noise stop.

.

Whatever form it takes, I’d guess you

recognize the feeling underneath it:

.

I need to get this under control.

.

That feeling is what Monkeytraps is about.

.

I’m a therapist who spent thirty-plus

years sitting with people in pain,

and who slowly came to believe

that nearly everything they bring

into therapy — anxiety, depression,

frustrating relationships, broken

communication, addiction,

the chronic low-grade sense that

something is wrong with us —

has a common root:

.

We are addicted to control.

.

I’m not talking metaphorically here.

We’re addicted in the same way

someone is addicted to alcohol or

drugs or food or work: we chase it

compulsively, automatically,

mostly unconsciously, and with

the absolute conviction that we

can’t survive without it.

.

I wrote a book about this called

Monkeytraps.

.

Here I plan to continue

thinking out loud about what I found,

and keep finding, in my clients,

in myself, and in the ordinary disasters

of being human.

.

What you’ll find here

.

Essays — longer pieces that follow an

idea somewhere uncomfortable. Personal,

clinical, occasionally funny.

.

Bert’s Therapy — a serialized comic strip

following Bert’s reluctant, resistant progress

through psychotherapy. He arrives weekly,

grumpy and skeptical, slowly beginning to

understand himself. Despite his best efforts.

.

In the Dark — sequential image pieces that

enact the experience of monkeymind in real time.

These appear twice a month on Saturdays.

.

Bert’s Life — single images containing one

idea, fully rendered. These show up in your

Notes feed, along with brief daily thoughts

on control, recovery, and what it means

to be human.

.

Everything here is free. All I ask is that if

something lands, you share it with someone

who might need it.

.

And if you want to know whether this is

the right place for you, try this:

.

Think of something you’ve been trying to

fix — about yourself, about someone you

love, about a situation that won’t resolve.

.

Notice how long you’ve been trying.

Notice how much energy it takes. Notice

whether it’s working.

.

If something in you just got a little uncomfortable

— welcome.

.

You’re in the right place.

Subscribe below, and I’ll show up in

your inbox. Bert will try to talk me

out of it. It’s a thing he does.

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May 6, 2026

Bert’s therapy/Session 32: Monkey business

By Steve Hauptman

So I have an Inner Monkey

inside me.

Yes. Everyone does.

Where does he come from?

He’s built in. He was there when

you were born.

I was addicted to control at birth?

No, Monkey starts out just as

a potential. He gets activated later,

when you begin to experience

discomfort and pain.

What happens then?

He goes to work, distinguishing.

Distinguishing what from what?

Distinguishing stuff he can tolerate

from the uncomfortable stuff

he needs to control.

So he’s trying to defend me

against discomfort.

Exactly. Defense is his business.

But isn’t that a good thing?

Sure, to a point. But Monkey’s

an addict.

Which means?

Which means he can’t handle

feelings. So he doesn’t know

when to stop.

Stop controlling.

Right. He tries to control stuff

he either can’t or shouldn’t

control.

Such as?

Other people, mainly. But

everything that happens in

your emotional life.

See, that’s where you lose me.

How so?

I get that controlling other

people causes problems. But

how can anyone not try

to control his emotional life?

I agree. We all need some sense of

control over our feelings. We’d

go insane otherwise.

That’s what I thought.

But if some controlling is

essential, too much is dangerous.

And Monkey tries to control

everything. Which causes more

pain that it prevents.

Pain, as in…

Anxiety, for one thing. Monkey-

driven people almost never feel

safe.

Because…

Because Monkey can always

find something to be scared of.

If it’s not real, he’ll imagine it.

And the imagining itself feeds

his anxiety.

So he has the right goal,

but the wrong method.

Let’s say he’s limited.

Controlling is the only way

he knows to regulate how

he feels. So he’s controlled

by his need to control.

Have you ever heard the saying

“When the only tool you have

is a hammer, everything looks

like a nail”?

That’s Monkey all over.

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February 11, 2015

(THE BOOK) Chapter 4: Chameleon

By Steve Hauptman

Controlling is hard to spot, and even harder to talk about.

Several reasons for this:

(1) It’s automatic and unconscious, like blinking or the beat of a heart.  You can make yourself aware of your own controlling, but it takes effort.

(2) It’s normal.  You do it all the time.  Everyone around you does it all the time.  So controlling behavior fades into the background of awareness, like a chameleon blends into its surroundings.

(3) We use stunted language to describe it.  We apply the verb control to wildly different behaviors, to our handling of everything from feelings to finances, foreign trade to cholesterol, termites to acne.   We almost need to construct a new language in order to adequately describe this chameleon we’re looking for.

Let’s try to do that, then.

Logo_v1

 

We’re forming two online study/support groups for readers who want to explore these ideas with me in real time; one is for therapists who want to integrate these ideas into their clinical work.  Both groups will be small, six members at most, and meet weekly. Fee is $50 per session, and group members may purchase Monkeytraps (The Book) at half price. Interested?  Write me: fritzfreud@aol.com.

 

 

 

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February 6, 2015

(THE BOOK) Chapter 3: Pictures

By Steve Hauptman

an excerpt from 3 (w borders)You may not think of yourself as controlling.  

Well, you are.

You just don’t see it.

Consider this view of how we operate:

From moment to moment, each of us carries in our heads a picture of how we want reality to be.

And we constantly compare that internal picture to the reality we have.

Everything we do to bring those pictures closer together — whether we do it out in public or in the privacy of our most secret thoughts — is what I mean by controlling.

See it yet?

Add this, then:

Discomfort of any sort – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, everything from agony to an itch – amounts to a signal that the two pictures don’t match.

And we respond to that signal automatically.

So wherever there’s discomfort, there’s controlling.

And we all know how uncomfortable life can be.

Controlling, in short, is as reflexive and inevitable a response as slapping a mosquito that’s biting you.

See it now?

x

Logo_v1

 

We’re forming two online study/support groups for readers who want to explore these ideas with me in real time.  One group is for therapists who want to integrate these ideas into their clinical work.  Both groups will be small, eight members at most, and meet weekly. Fee is $50 per session, and group members may purchase Monkeytraps (The Book) at half price. Interested?  Write me: fritzfreud@aol.com.

 

 

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in addiction to control, codependency, control, control addiction, definition of control, meaning of control, personal development, personal growth

February 3, 2015

(THE BOOK) Chapter 2: Controlling

By Steve Hauptman

an excerpt from 3 (w borders)The urge to control is part of our hard wiring.

Why?

Because it is wired into us to

..~ seek pleasure and avoid pain,

..~ imagine a perfect life (one that meets all our needs and makes us perfectly happy), and then

..~ try to make those imaginings come true.

The word controlling covers all forms of this imagining and trying.

Our trying may be large (building a skyscraper) or small (killing crabgrass), complex (winning a war) or simple (salting my soup). 

It may be important (curing cancer) or petty (trimming toenails), public (getting elected) or private (losing weight), essential (avoiding a car crash) or incidental (matching socks).

I may inflict my trying on other people (get you to stop drinking, kiss me, wash the dishes, give me a raise) or on myself (raise my self-esteem, lose weight, hide my anger, learn French).

All this involves seeking some form of control.

We’re controlling nearly all of the time.

We control automatically and unconsciously, waking and sleeping, out in the world and in the privacy of our thoughts.

From birth until death.

The only time we’re not controlling is when we can relax, and do nothing, and trust that things will work out just fine anyway.

How often can you do that?

x

Logo_v1

 

We’re forming two online study/support groups for readers who want to explore these ideas with me in real time.  One group is for therapists who want to integrate these ideas into their clinical work.  Both groups will be small, eight members at most, and meet weekly. Fee is $50 per session, and group members may purchase Monkeytraps (The Book) at half price. Interested?  Write me: fritzfreud@aol.com.

 

 

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in (1) law of addiction, codependency, codependency, control, control addiction, definition of control, meaning of control, personal development, personal growth

February 2, 2015

(THE BOOK) Chapter 1: Control

By Steve Hauptman

an excerpt from 3 (w borders)The ability to dictate reality.

That’s how I define control.

It’s not a definition you’ll find in any dictionary, and probably not how you define it.  

But it’s essential to understanding everything that follows.  

Dictate means rearrange or edit according to our preferences.  Reality means, well, everything — everything outside us (people, places and things) and inside us (thoughts, feelings, behavior) too.

Defined this broadly, the wish for control stands behind just about everything we do consciously.  

Plus most of what we do unconsciously (feel, fantasize, worry, dream) as well.

We seek control in order to get reality to behave as we want it to.

We seek control because we want to make the world adjust itself to us, instead of vice versa.

We all want control in this sense.

Not just want, either.

We crave it.

Control is the mother of all motivations.

Every human ever born has craved it and chased it.

Because it’s a craving that is literally built into us.

x

Logo_v1

 

 

We’re planning an online study/support group for readers who want to explore these ideas with me in real time.  Also coming, a group for therapists who want to integrate these ideas into their clinical work.  Both groups will be small, eight members at most, and meet weekly. Fee is $50 per session, and group members may purchase Monkeytraps (The Book) at half price. Interested?  Write me: fritzfreud@aol.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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January 31, 2015

(THE BOOK) Introduction

By Steve Hauptman

 

an excerpt from 3 (w borders)Want to trap a monkey?

Try this:

(1) Find a heavy bottle with a narrow neck.

(2) Drop a banana into it.

(3) Leave the bottle where a monkey can find it.

(4) Wait.

The monkey will do the rest.

He’ll come along, smell the banana, reach in to grab it.

Then find he can’t pull it out, because the bottleneck is too small.

He can free himself easily.  He just has to let go.

But he really, really wants that banana.

So he hangs on.

He’s still hanging on when you come to collect him.

And that’s how you trap a monkey.

.

Logo_v1

.

Want to trap a human? 

Try this:

(1) Place the human in an uncomfortable situation.

(2) Wait.

The human will do the rest.

He or she will try to reduce their discomfort by controlling the situation.

The harder they work to reduce their discomfort, the more uncomfortable they’ll get.

The harder they try to escape their discomfort, the more trapped they’ll feel.

And that’s how you trap a human.

 

Logo_v1

 

This is a book about control in general, and psychological monkeytraps in particular.

A psychological monkeytrap is any situation that temps us to hold on when we should let go — to control what either can’t or shouldn’t be controlled.

The world is filled with monkeytraps.  

As is the emotional life of every human being.

I learned this from practicing psychotherapy.

Therapy also taught me four truths:

1. We are all addicted to control. 

2. This addiction causes most (maybe all) our emotional problems.

3. Behind this addiction lies our wish to control feelings.

4. There are better ways to manage feelings than control.

I call these the Four Laws of control, and they structure the four parts that follow:

Part 1: Addiction is about the idea of control, and how it structures our lives and choices.

Part 2: Dysfunction is about the most common ways control addiction makes us (and those we love) sick and miserable.

Part 3: Emotion is about the real reason we try to control people, places, things, and ourselves.

Part 4: Alternatives is about moving beyond control addiction to healthier ways of responding to discomfort.

I plan to publish the first two parts online for free.  Then I’ll offer the entire book for sale in spring 2015.

Since this is a new way of looking at people and their problems, chapters will be kept bite-sized and spaced out, to give you a chance to chew on each idea as it emerges.  

Chapters you want to reread will be archived on the page titled Monkeytraps (The Book).

Feedback and questions are always welcome.

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Finally:

You may be used to thinking of control as a solution, not a problem.  

Fine.  Read on.

You may not think of yourself as a controlling person.  

Also fine.  Read on.

You may never have tried redefining your emotional problems as rooted in your wish for control.  

Terrific.  Read on.

A client once described his first Al-Anon meeting as “like a light coming on in a dark room.  Suddenly I could see all the furniture I’ve been tripping over all my life.”

That’s just what we’re going for here.

Welcome to the light switch.

* * *

We’re planning an online study/support group for readers who want to explore these ideas with me in real time.  Also coming, a group for therapists who want to integrate these ideas into their clinical work.  Both groups will be small, eight members at most, and meet weekly. Fee is $50 per 90-minute session, and group members may purchase Monkeytraps (The Book) at half price. Interested?  Write me: fritzfreud@aol.com.

 

 

 

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in (1) law of addiction, (2) law of dysfunction, (3) law of emotion, (4) law of alternatives, codependency, codependency, control, control addiction, personal growth

January 1, 2015

Third Paradox: Tradeoff

By Steve Hauptman

The Third Paradox of control:

 THIRD PARADOX

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Controlling boils down to a tradeoff.

Gain control here, lose control there.

Think of the original monkey trap:

To hold on to the banana, the monkey surrenders his freedom.  To regain his freedom, he must let the banana go.

It also explains all garden-variety codependent interactions:

To control you (make you like, love or accept me) I must surrender control of something else — like my ability to be honest, or spontaneous, or emotionally expressive. 

Conversely,

Taking control of my emotional life — especially how I feel about myself — means surrendering control over how you react to me.

It also applies to New Year’s resolutions, not to mention all goal-setting:

To reach a particular goal (like writing my book) I must surrender control of others (like spending time with my family, or on chores that absorb my energy and attention).

To gain control of my weight I must surrender control (i.e., limit my choices) of what I put in my mouth.

To control my social anxiety I must detach from how other people see me and practice being myself.

And so on.

So control and surrender are two sides of the same coin.

And getting control of anything means losing control of something else.

To win A, you must sacrifice B.

Tradeoff.

Balance.

Yin-yang.

Fill your bowel to the brim 

and it will spill.

Keep sharpening your knife 

and it will blunt.

Chase after money and security

and your heart will never unclench.

Care about people’s approval

and you will be their prisoner. 

                         ~ Lao Tzu

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yinyang2

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in addiction to control, anxiety, control, control addiction, paradoxes of control, personal development, personal growth, recovery, surrender, Third Paradox

December 26, 2014

How to spot monkeytraps

By Steve Hauptman
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How are your holidays going?  
Thought so.  
Bert and I guessed you could use this refresher:
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In Asia they trap monkeys by placing bait in a heavy jar with a narrow neck.   The monkey smells the bait, reaches in to grab it, and traps himself by refusing to let go.
A psychological monkeytrap is any situation that triggers you into compulsive controlling — into holding on when you really should let go.
And how can you tell when you’re at risk of entrapment?
Three tips:

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Tip 1:
Notice where you’re uncomfortable.
We’re controlling whenever we need or want to change some piece of reality instead of accepting it or adapting to it as is.  And we’re most likely to want to change realities that make us uncomfortable.  So it makes sense that our discomfort zones are where we’re most likely to get monkeytrapped.
[] bert panel (print for edit)Bert:  Me, I hate rejection.  So I’m most controlling with people I think might reject me.  I hide feelings I think will upset them, pretend to agree when I really don’t, laugh at stupid jokes, avoid confronting behavior I dislike, try to read their minds, and so on and so on.  Keeps me busy.      
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Tip 2:
Notice where you’re stuck.
Stuck as in not learning, healing or growing — struggling with the same damn problem over and over.  You know you’re monkeytrapped whenever you find yourself doing what you already know doesn’t work.
[] bert panel (print for edit)Bert:  All that controlling I just described traps me because it (a) stops me from being myself, which (b) prevents me from ever getting accepted as myself, which (c)  keeps me chronically scared of rejection, which brings me right back to (a).  Like riding an endless merry-go-round.
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Tip 3:
Notice where you’re scared.
Like all addictions, compulsive controlling is anxiety-driven.  We stay monkeytrapped because we’re scared to do anything else.  Often even the thought of giving up control in such situations is enough to scare us silly.
[] bert panel (print for edit)Bert:  Took me a long time to see that controlling doesn’t work.  Or it does, but only for five minutes.  Then another scary thing comes along and I have to control that.  And life being what it is, there’s no end to scary things.  So as an anxiety-reduction tactic controlling is a total flop.
 
The most frightened people are the most controlling people, and the most controlling people stay the most frightened.
 

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in anxiety and control, codependency, control, control addiction, personal growth

November 17, 2014

Perfect parents

By Steve Hauptman

Women’s group.  Six members.

All mothers.

One has been discussing problems her grown children face.  Which leads into reviewing her failures as a parent.  Which makes her cry.

The others listen and nod sadly.

After a minute I say, “Question for the group.  Is there such a thing as an unguilty mother?”

They look at me, startled.  Then at each other.

“I doubt it,” I say.  “Every child deserves perfect parenting.  No child ever gets it.  And every mother knows this and feels bad about it.  So feelings of inadequacy and failure and guilt are built into being a mother.”

“Always?” one asks.

“Maybe not,” I concede. “Occasionally I meet a parent unaware of his or her inadequacies.  But they’re usually narcissists, and they usually scare the crap out of me.”

The crying mother sniffles.

“I can’t help feeling guilty,” she says.  “When they hurt it feels like my fault.”

Right, Mom.  You, me, and most every parent I know.

Look, guys.

Perfect parenting is not just impossible, it’s unnecessary.

The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott once famously argued that kids don’t need perfect parenting — just parenting that’s “good enough.” Winnicott wrote,

The good-enough mother starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure.  Her failure to adapt to every need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.

Catch that last line?

The mother’s imperfection is what helps her child adapt to reality.

So relax if you’re not perfect.  You can’t be, and you don’t have to be.  And it would probably be bad for your kids if you were.

Personally I take comfort in how one of my supervisors once defined good-enough parenting.

“The sign of successful parenting,” he said, “is that your kids can pay for their own therapy.”

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in control, narcissism and control, relationships and control, self-acceptance, surrender

November 12, 2014

Gasoline

By Steve Hauptman

One classic symptom of control addiction is enabling.

Enabling is anything you do to solve a problem that ends up making the problem worse.

Like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

Or scratching a rash left by poison ivy.

Or trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking by hiding their booze or nagging them to enter treatment.

Or trying to improve communication with your kids by forcing them to talk to you.

Or trying to improve your marriage by reminding your spouse how disappointing and inadequate he/she is.

The forms it takes are infinite.

What they all have in common, though — and what makes them so difficult to stop — is that they gratify a short-term need.

The need to do something.

We hate feeling helpless.  We hate facing the fact that some problems we simply cannot solve.

So we cling to the illusion of control.

Maybe this time it will work, we tell ourselves.

Or Maybe if I try it this way.

Or This is too important.  I can’t do nothing.

Pass the gasoline.

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in addiction to control, anxiety and control, codependency, control, control addiction, parenting problems and control