Kid catching

Dad and Son sit on my sofa.  Dad’s telling me why Son received a three-week suspension.  Son, fourteen, stares at the top of his shoes, wishing to be anywhere but here.

Dad explains that Son assaulted another student after learning said student had arranged for two of his friends to beat up Son’s cousin.  Cousin ended up in the ER.  Son sought out the instigator and smacked him upside the head.  For this he received a suspension, multiple lectures by multiple adults, and was forced to attend a disciplinary meeting and express remorse.  Then he was referred to me for therapy.

 I look at Son.  “That why you did it?” I ask.  “Your cousin?”

 He nods, barely.

 “Good job,” I say.

He looks up.  We make eye contact for the first time.  He bursts out laughing.

I look at Dad.  He’s grinning, not at what I said, but at Son’s reaction.

And so the therapy begins.

Grownups forget that kids are surrounded by big people all too willing to catch them doing something wrong.  It’s as if we think that’s what constitutes good parenting, or discipline, or teaching, or something.

But catching and punishing is only one sort of teaching.  And not even the most effective part.

Think about the adults who had a positive impact on you as a kid.  Chances are they were those who caught you doing something right, not wrong.  Who showed you acceptance and approval.  Who made you feel respected and cared about.

 Not guilty.

 Most of us carry around too much guilt as it is.

 Go catch your kid doing something right.