Chapter 8: Which fish

 

The child grabs for power in

whatever ways spontaneously

suggest themselves to him.

~ Allen Wheelis 

If you doubt the power of family to shape who we are and how we function, think of how we get defined by our family roles.

Family therapist James Framo writes,

The “family way” of seeing and doing things becomes automatic and unquestioned, like the air one breathes. 

[For example,] It is very difficult for anyone, no matter how grown-up or mature, to avoid the family role assignment when he is in the presence of his family. 

Whether his role is that of “the quiet one,” “the smart one,” “the slick one,” “the troublemaker,” “father’s protector,” or any one of countless assignments, he will find himself behaving accordingly despite himself.

Try a thought experiment. 

Think of your family of origin. 

Now ask yourself,

Who was the “strong” one?

Who was the “weak” one?

Who was the “emotional” one?

Who was the “unemotional” one?

Who was the “angry” one?

Who was the “funny” one?

Who was the “nervous” one?

Who was the “controlling” one?

Who got controlled? 

Who was “the problem solver”?

Who was “the problem”?

Now ask yourself:

Which fish was I?

Did I have a role?

What was it?

Do I still slip back into it when I’m with my family?

How am I still playing this role in other parts of my life?

Was I aware of this before now?

For most of us, it takes a long time to discover how our family role has defined us.

If we ever discover it at all.