Chapter 17: The addicted Kid

 

Addiction is associated

with the belief that “I must

have (money, power, praise,

or whatever) in order to

be happy.… Because it says

that I must have things

a certain way, it reduces

flexibility and choices.

~ Roger Walsh

We come now to the last of the three metaphors: control addiction.

It’s my favorite explanation for human behavior. 

I like it because it explains so much of what we feel and do as adults.

Whenever I meet a new client I can usually explain their presenting problem by asking myself questions like

What are they trying to control?

What do they think they absolutely must have in order to feel better than they do now?

How are they trying to manipulate their environment in order to get this something?

And especially,

How are they trying to control the people around them in order to meet their needs for safety, acceptance, approval or love?

I like this metaphor, too, because of how it combines the first two metaphors in a theory of how we develop our emotional problems.

Plan A, remember, consists of adaptations we developed as kids for dealing with feelings, relationships and life in general.  And the inner Kid is that authentic part of us which gets driven into hiding over the course of being reshaped by those adaptations.

Well, every Plan A is based on control.

And every wounded inner Kid gets triggered into compulsive controlling.

Since everyone has a Plan A, and everyone carries a wounded Kid inside, we are all, ultimately, control addicts.

This is another idea that bears repeating:

We are, all of us, control addicts.