Chapter 20: Control is not power

If I define power simply as “control,”

I will never be able to let go of control

without fear of losing power, [and

so] trapped by this concept

into paranoid vigilance.

~ James Hillman

Here it is important to distinguish control from power.

The two words are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.

In some ways, they’re opposites.

One difference is that power is possible, but control is usually an illusion.

Another is that power can set you free, while controlling can make you crazy.

A third is that power tends to result from intelligent choices made by our inner Adult, while controlling usually stems from the desperate maneuvering of our anxious inner Kid

Again, we’re defining control as the ability to edit reality and force life to meet our expectations. 

But power, as I use the word, means the ability to get your needs met.

To take care of yourself. To not just survive, but to heal, thrive and be happy.

And as difficult as it may be to attain this sort of power, it’s easier than forcing reality to meet your expectations.

Here’s an example of the difference:

Imagine your rich uncle dies suddenly and leaves you control of his multinational corporation.  You wake up one morning the CEO of Big Bucks, Inc.

You go to your new job. You sit behind a huge desk. Four secretaries line up to do your bidding.

You have tons of control. You can hire and fire, buy and sell, build plants or close them, approve product lines, mount advertising campaigns, manage investments, bribe congressmen, you name it.

How do you feel?

If you’re like me, you feel crippled by anxiety. Bewildered and overwhelmed by your new responsibilities. Disoriented. Panicked.

Anything but in control.

Now imagine you decide, “To hell with this.  I quit.  I’m going home to eat a sandwich and take a nap.”

How do you feel now?

Notice that in this situation you gain power only by giving up control.

Now try a thought experiment:

Take a moment to remember the last time your attempt to control people, places or things made it impossible to get your needs met, to take care of yourself.

See the difference?

Often we seek control when it’s power that we really want and need.  But since we never distinguish the two, we end up chasing the wrong one.

And that can be disastrous.

Since it leaves trapped in what James Hillman calls paranoid vigilance.

9-10.