February 1, 2024
Chapter 29: Judging
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Adult children judge
themselves without mercy.
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Childhood taught me to expect others to judge, criticize or reject me.
This was so painful that I learned to anticipate it and do it to myself before anyone else could.
Why?
Because it felt safer to abuse myself before you did.
It felt like my choice, so I could feel less victimized and helpless.
Like quitting a job before they can fire you, or ending a relationship before you can be dumped.
And this self-judging saved me, I thought, from being surprised or disappointed when you finally did it.
(It never occurred to me that you wouldn’t.)
In this way I tried to control the pain I believed always came with relationships.
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