Why do I blame myself for what was done to me?

Because at the time it felt safer.

Because what was done was done by people with power.

And I was powerless.

I could not fight back or escape.

I could not even protest.

If I tried to do any of those things, I’d get hurt.

So, for safety’s sake. I retreated.

I retreated inside myself.

I swallowed all my hurt.

My fear.

My anger.

And turned those feelings against myself.

Which, I’ve since learned, is what happens to

feelings you swallow.

They turn into poison.

And eat away at you.

They ate away at me by saying,

This is your fault.

You brought this on yourself.

The people hurting you say it’s your fault,

so it must be true.

So you better agree with them.

Accept their explanation.

If you do, maybe

they’ll hurt you less.

Guilt and shame felt safer than outrage.

So I put them on like armor.

And kept the outrage pushed down.

I see it differently now.

I see I had no choice.

I see the lies I told myself

so that I could survive.

And I am learning to forgive myself

for believing them.