Chapter 11: The laundry list

.

Many of the patients whom [child

psychiatrist Douglas Winnicott]

treated had, for one reason or

another, learned as children

to be over-compliant; that is,

to live in ways which were

expected of them, or which

pleased others, or which were

designed not to offend others.

These are the patients who

build up what Winnicott

called a “false self.”

~ Anthony Storr

* 

In 1983 Janet Woititz published a book titled Adult Children of Alcoholics which contained what came to be known in recovery circles as “the laundry list.”

It’s a list of thirteen traits typical of adults who grew up in dysfunctional families.

A dysfunctional family is simply one in which the members cannot get their needs met. 

And adult children are people still unconsciously bound to the Plan A they learned in their family.

If you’d like to be able to notice when you slip into Plan A – to say Oh, there I go again instead of reacting with rage, fear or confusion — the laundry list is a good place to start.

What follows is a revised version.*

If you’re an adult child,

1. You guess at what normal is, then try to imitate it.

2. You have trouble following projects through from beginning to end.

3. You lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. You judge yourself without mercy.

5. You have trouble relaxing or having fun.

6. You take yourself very seriously.

7. You struggle with intimate relationships.

8. You over-react to changes beyond your control.

9. You constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. You feel different from other people.

11. You’re either super responsible or super irresponsible.

12.  You’re extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that your loyalty is undeserved.

13.  You’re impulsive — i.e., tend to lock yourself into a course of action without thinking through alternatives or consequences.  This creates confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over your environment.  You also spend large amounts of time and energy cleaning up the mess.

So what does it mean if you identify with one or more of these symptoms?

It means you’re like me.

Also everyone else I know.

Also, I’d argue, everyone else, period.

There’s no one on this bus but us fishes.

*Adapted from Janet Woititz, Adult children of alcoholics (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1983).