Chapter 18: The meaning of control

The individual’s most fundamental

orientation toward his environment

is that of attempting to control it

in order to meet his needs.

~ sociologist Paul Sites

We should pause here to examine the idea of control and what it means.

Two definitions to start with: control and controlling.

Control means the ability to edit reality – to make people, places and things behave the way we want.

A craving for control is hardwired into us. It’s rooted in our big brains – brains that remember and anticipate, analyze and plan, worry and obsess – brains which, in fact, have a life of their own and cannot stop doing any of those things. 

It works this way: 

Moment to moment, we each carry a picture in our heads of the reality we want.  And we constantly compare that picture to the reality we have.

Everything we do to bring those two into alignment — the reality we want and the reality we have — is what I call controlling.

We seek control constantly. 

We do it in our heads, our speech and our behavior. 

We do it out in the world and we do it in our fantasies.

We do it in ways big and small, obvious and disguised, healthy and unhealthy. 

Some of our controlling is conscious and intentional, but most of is both unconscious and automatic.

We can’t help ourselves.

Control, we believe, means safety, order, predictability, and comfort.

It’s our first line of defense against an uncertain world.