Chapter 22: The paradox of control

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The most interesting thing about

the control-mad people is that they

always end up being controlled.

~ Frederick S. Perls

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The second important difference between control and power lies in how they operate in the real world.

Power is straightforward, but

control works paradoxically.

People who depend on control to feel safe and happy don’t feel safe or happy much of the time. 

That’s because, even when you get control, you can’t keep it for long. 

Chasing control is like chasing a train you can never catch.

In fact, I have noticed three paradoxes of control in my work with clients.

The first paradox:

The more control you need,

the less in control you feel.

The second paradox:

The more you try to control

other people, the more you

force them to control them back.

The third paradox:

To get control in one place,

you must give up control

in another.

These paradoxes are the main reason control addicts tend to be frustrated, anxious and unhappy.

I’ll explore them in more detail later.

For now, it’s enough to point out that, unlike control, personal power is something you really can develop and practice.  

Like a muscle which, when you exercise it, grows stronger over time.

And unlike control, power, as we’re defining it here, really can make you happy.