[3] Why I can’t relax

Because it’s not safe to relax.

Or rather, because it wasn’t  safe to relax.

You know, back then.

Back when I was deciding whether the world

was safe or dangerous.

And whether you could trust the people around you

or not.

I had enough experiences of dangerous and not

to decide that I needed to stay alert.

And defended.

And tense.

And over time that just became my default position.

On some level, I stay tense all the time.

You wouldn’t notice.

I don’t even notice.

This just feels normal to me.

I only notice it when I try not to do it.

When I try to relax my mind and muscles

so I can rest.

And find it’s impossible.

And what’s really annoying

is watching others do what I can’t do.

Relax, play and laugh.

Especially when they say,

“Come on! Join us! Relax!”

And I can’t.

I try to smile and pretend,

but I can’t.

And inside I feel achingly sad,

because part of me knows

that another part is dreaming,

trapped in back then,

struggling to push past outdated fears

and find my way into

here and now.