She is crying over a recent breakup.
.
“I loved him so much,” she sobs.
.
I try to look sympathetic.
.
Inside I’m thinking,
Not really.
.
Why?
.
Because she’s the one who
ended the relationship,
…
and
…
she did it because he kept
hurting and disappointing her,
…
and
…
she has a long history of
disappointing and hurtful
relationships,
…
and
…
I’ve known many people
like her, people who confuse
love with need.
.
It is, I believe, a common confusion.
.
Love and need are both intense
emotional experiences.
.
Both can overwhelm, confuse and
consume.
.
Both feel like a matter of life or
death.
.
Both reveal something essential
about you.
.
But there are important differences
too:
.
Where love feels like fullness, need
feels like craving.
.
Where love creates stability, need
generates anxiety.
.
Where love tolerates boundaries,
need repeatedly blurs them.
.
Where love manifests as giving,
need shows up as demanding.
.
Where love expands a person’s
capacity and perspective,
need shrinks both to that of a
hungry child.
.
So how does this confusion get started?
.
In my experience, the three most
common ways are
.
~ You were raised by parents who
didn’t know the difference themselves.
They told you they loved you, but
the message behind that was Meet
my expectations. Make me happy.
.
~ You grew up in a family unable to
tolerate separateness or integrity.
Be what we need you to be, was the
message, or we’ll reject you.
.
~ Childhood left you emotionally
hungry, so hungry that now anyone
who feeds you feels like a sort of savior.
.
Which is what Erich Fromm probably
had in mind when he wrote,
.
Immature loves says,
“I love you because
I need you.”
Mature love says,
“I need you because
I love you.”
____________
*The Art of Loving (1956).
* * *
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September 15th, 2026 at 9:10 am
Your writing is unbelievable and totally relatable.