How I discovered control addiction

So I’m giving this talk, and suddenly

realize I don’t know what I’m talking about.

.

I’m a new social worker, six months out

of grad school, working for a clinic attached

to a rehab.  My new boss has decided I’m 

the best one to run the weekly Family

Education Series, basically a crash course

in alcoholism and how it screws up families. 

.

And tonight’s topic is codependency.

.

I know the topic well enough.  I’ve worked

as an alcoholism counselor, treated hundreds

of codependents, can diagnose one after

five minutes of conversation. 

.

But when I went to prepare this talk I found

I couldn’t define the word. 

.

At work we talked about codependency 

without ever stopping to explain what

we meant.   And when I looked into my

half-dozen books on the subject I found

each defining it in a different way. 

.

One was:

A specific condition characterized by

preoccupation and extreme dependence

on another person, activity, group,

idea, or substance. [1]

.

Another:

An  emotional, psychological, and

behavioral condition that develops

as a result of an individual’s prolonged

exposure to, and practice of, a set

of oppressive rules. [2]

.

A third:

A multidimensional (physical, mental,

emotional and spiritual) condition

manifested by any suffering and

dysfunction that is associated with

or due to focusing on the needs

and behavior of others. [3]

.

A fourth:

A recognizable pattern of personality

traits, predictably found within most

members of chemically dependent

families, which are capable of creating

sufficient dysfunction to warrant the

diagnosis of Mixed Personality Disorder

as outlined in DSM-III [4],

.

which sent me off to yet another book

to learn what the hell that meant.

.

Finally I came to codependency maven

Melody Beattie, who explained that a

codependent is simply

.

a person who has let another person’s

behavior affect him or her, and who is

obsessed with controlling that person’s

behavior. [5]

.

A fine definition.  Until I noticed it

describes just about everyone.

.

Having no idea which definition

would be best to offer my workshop, I

cleverly decided to present them all.

.

So here I am, having just done that. 

I’ve distributed a handout with the

five definitions on it, and read them

aloud, and am now looking at a

roomful of confused faces.

.

A man in a brown corduroy jacket

raises his hand.  I nod back.

.

“So what the hell is codependency?”

he asks.

.

Everyone laughs.

.

I laugh too.  (Inside I’m thinking

Shoot me now.) 

.

Then I shrug and hear myself say,

“Addiction to control.”

.

I am surprised at myself.  I’ve never

thought of it this way before. 

.

*

But Corduroy starts asking questions,

and answers are coming to me, and

it’s all making a new sort of sense. 

.

I explain that I see codependents as 

traumatized people convinced their

survival depends on controlling the

effects of “their” alcoholic’s illness. 

So they do things like hide booze and

avoid dad at certain times of the day 

and lie to his boss about why he missed

work or to the neighbors about why he

fell asleep in the driveway.  From all

these experiences they come to depend

on control as a way of coping generally, 

and set about applying it to everything

and everyone in their lives, to the point

where it makes them sick. 

.

“Sick how?” Corduroy frowns. 

.

Mainly anxious and depressed, I say. 

But also worried, and tense, and irritable,

and unable to relax or have fun, or identify 

and express feelings, or trust anyone, or

like themselves.  And self-medicating with

food or work or helping other people or

whatever else they can think of. 

.

And now Corduroy is nodding thoughtfully,

and so are others in the room, and I know

I’m onto something.

.

(To be continued.)

___________________ 

[1] Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse,

ChoiceMaking: For co-dependents, 

adult children and spirituality s

eekers (Health Communications, 1985).

[2] Robert Subby, Lost in the shuffle:

The co-dependent reality, quoted in

Whitfield (see below).

[3] Charles Whitfield, Co-dependence:

Healing the human condition (Health

Communications, 1991).  

[4] Timmen Cermak, Diagnosing

and treating co-dependence (Johnson

Institute, 1986).

[5] Melody Beattie, Codependent

no more (Harper/Hazelden, 1987).