Anyone who wants a healthy relationship must

answer two questions:

……

How can I have you without losing me?

How can I have me without losing you?

……

Except we can’t really answer these questions.

…

We can only struggle with them.

…

Then again, it’s the struggling that matters.

…

Why?

…

Because those questions represent the two essential

needs each of us brings to any relationship:

…

Connection and freedom.

….

Acceptance by another person, and self-acceptance.

…

A genuine partner, and at the same time, an

authentic self.

…

Sadly, most people I know are secretly convinced 

that you can’t have both at the same time.

…

Most came from families — alcoholic, abusive or

otherwise dysfunctional — unable to teach them

to balance connection with freedom.

…

What they learned instead was that having one

meant losing the other.  That winning love and

approval from parents, for example, meant

sacrificing important parts of themselves, like

the freedom to express feelings or take care of

their own needs.

…

The family that raised us is where each of us

learned our own personal answer to the two

questions. And the answer we learned grew

into a crucial (though mostly unconscious)

part of our basic view of life and relationships,

what I call our Plan A.  

…

Some of us decide, “Since I can’t have both,

I’ll have me, and to hell with you.” 

…

Therapists call this the narcissistic answer.

…

Others decide, “Since I can’t have both, I’ll

have you, and to hell with me.” 

…

This is the infamous codependent answer.

…

So the narcissistic partner says “Me first,”

and the codependent replies, “Yes, dear.”

…

And the two personality types end up together

with stunning regularity.  (Remember Archie

and Edith Bunker?)

…

Watching such couples interact, one is struck

by their predictability.  In every situation the

narcissist finds some way to say “Me first,”

and the codependent to reply “Yes, dear.” 

…

It’s as if long ago they sat down and signed a contract.

…

Which, in a way, they did.

…

Their complementary answers to the two questions

probably account, in large part, for why they

ended up together.

…

In any case, the vast majority of couples I see for

couples counseling follow this pattern — so many

that I felt the need to give them their own name.

…

I call them split-level relationships.

…

Split-level relationships work for a while, but

almost always break down. 

…

Eventually one or both partners realize they’re

not getting what they need.

…

Codependents usually notice first.  When that

partner is female, this can lead to the syndrome

called the walk-away wife.*

…

But narcissists tend to be unhappy too. They

often complain of loneliness, lack of connection

to their codependent partner, or an absence of 

respect or affection.  They may feel impatient,

frustrated, irritated, resentful. Sometimes they

drink, drug, overeat, rage, or cheat, and then

feel bad about that.

…

All this happens because split-level relationship

is inherently unhealthy.

…

Familiar, sure.  Comfortable, even, in the way

the predictable may come to feel.

…

But not healthy.  The unbalanced answers on

which a split-level relationship is based simply

cannot fill the emotional needs of two adults. 

…

So both partners end up feeling deprived, often

without understanding why.

…

What does recovery for such a couple look like?

…

Put simply, a sort of role reversal.

…

Codependent partners must develop courage

and practice standing up, asserting themselves. 

…

Narcissistic partners must develop empathy

and practice stepping down, giving instead of

grabbing.

…

Easy? 

…

No.  Not easy for either of them.

…

Just necessary to life on the same level.

____________

*’The Walkaway Wife Syndrome,” Michelle Weiner- Davis, on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jRyUbdHn9I

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