Chapter 37: Loyalty

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Adult children are extremely

loyal, even in the face of

evidence that their loyalty

is undeserved.

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This symptom had two roots: my fear of rejection, and the habit of ignoring the evidence of my feelings. 

Childhood left me convinced I was permanently flawed, so when things went wrong between me and another person I usually blamed myself. 

If you hurt my feelings I’d decide I’m too sensitive. 

If you ignored or neglected me I’d tell myself Stop being so needy. 

If I lost my temper with you I’d worry Do I sound crazy? 

And so on.

My sense of self-worth was so low that I figured I was lucky to have any relationships at all, and so needed to work extra hard to preserve them. 

This habit of ignoring my internal radar kept me stuck in painful or unhealthy relationships long after a self-trusting person would have escaped. 

So I’d hang onto those relationships while invalidating my own perceptions and reactions.

And tried to avoid abandonment by repeatedly abandoning myself.