Chapter 38: Impulsivity

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Adult children are impulsive — they

tend to lock themselves into a course

of action without thinking through

alternatives or consequences.

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Like most of the items on this list, my impulsivity came from how I tried to manage anxiety. 

I was impulsive because I lacked both self-awareness (for example, that burying feelings only made me more anxious) and the ability to defer gratification. 

Like a child, I grabbed for the first choice I thought would bring relief.  

Boss yelled at me? Quit the job. 

Friend didn’t call? Throw a tantrum. 

You forgot my birthday? End the relationship. 

Girfriend cheated on me? Drive into a tree. 

I didn’t always act on such impulses, but I felt them disturbingly often.

More than anything else, they kept me feeling inept and inadequate.

Like a kid who just didn’t know how to do Life.

And acting out those impulses got me into one mess after another, which I then had to clean up, which created still more anxiety.

Eventually, in recovery, I learned how to calm myself down.

I learned to breathe, step back from impulses, consider options.

Most importantly, I learned that expressing feelings relieved my anxiety, and that I could process what I felt with safe people. 

Only then, in my late thirties, did I begin to feel some peace of mind.

But it took decades for me to discover that there are better ways to manage anxiety than leaping without looking.