Anyone who wants a healthy relationship must
answer two questions:
……
How can I have you without losing me?
How can I have me without losing you?
……
Except we can’t really answer these questions.
…
We can only struggle with them.
…
Then again, it’s the struggling that matters.
…
Why?
…
Because those questions represent the two essential
needs each of us brings to any relationship:
…
Connection and freedom.
….
Acceptance by another person, and self-acceptance.
…
A genuine partner, and at the same time, an
authentic self.
…
Sadly, most people I know are secretly convinced
that you can’t have both at the same time.
…
Most came from families — alcoholic, abusive or
otherwise dysfunctional — unable to teach them
to balance connection with freedom.
…
What they learned instead was that having one
meant losing the other. That winning love and
approval from parents, for example, meant
sacrificing important parts of themselves, like
the freedom to express feelings or take care of
their own needs.
…
The family that raised us is where each of us
learned our own personal answer to the two
questions. And the answer we learned grew
into a crucial (though mostly unconscious)
part of our basic view of life and relationships,
what I call our Plan A.
…
Some of us decide, “Since I can’t have both,
I’ll have me, and to hell with you.”
…
Therapists call this the narcissistic answer.
…
Others decide, “Since I can’t have both, I’ll
have you, and to hell with me.”
…
This is the infamous codependent answer.
…
So the narcissistic partner says “Me first,”
and the codependent replies, “Yes, dear.”
…
And the two personality types end up together
with stunning regularity. (Remember Archie
and Edith Bunker?)
…
Watching such couples interact, one is struck
by their predictability. In every situation the
narcissist finds some way to say “Me first,”
and the codependent to reply “Yes, dear.”
…
It’s as if long ago they sat down and signed a contract.
…
Which, in a way, they did.
…
Their complementary answers to the two questions
probably account, in large part, for why they
ended up together.
…
In any case, the vast majority of couples I see for
couples counseling follow this pattern — so many
that I felt the need to give them their own name.
…
I call them split-level relationships.
…
Split-level relationships work for a while, but
almost always break down.
…
Eventually one or both partners realize they’re
not getting what they need.
…
Codependents usually notice first. When that
partner is female, this can lead to the syndrome
called the walk-away wife.*
…
But narcissists tend to be unhappy too. They
often complain of loneliness, lack of connection
to their codependent partner, or an absence of
respect or affection. They may feel impatient,
frustrated, irritated, resentful. Sometimes they
drink, drug, overeat, rage, or cheat, and then
feel bad about that.
…
All this happens because split-level relationship
is inherently unhealthy.
…
Familiar, sure. Comfortable, even, in the way
the predictable may come to feel.
…
But not healthy. The unbalanced answers on
which a split-level relationship is based simply
cannot fill the emotional needs of two adults.
…
So both partners end up feeling deprived, often
without understanding why.
…
What does recovery for such a couple look like?
…
Put simply, a sort of role reversal.
…
Codependent partners must develop courage
and practice standing up, asserting themselves.
…
Narcissistic partners must develop empathy
and practice stepping down, giving instead of
grabbing.
…
Easy?
…
No. Not easy for either of them.
…
Just necessary to life on the same level.
____________
*’The Walkaway Wife Syndrome,” Michelle Weiner- Davis, on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jRyUbdHn9I
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