…
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I don’t believe in magical curses.
….
I do believe in psychological ones.
….
As they appear in therapy, psychological
curses are false beliefs absorbed in
childhood by a kid too innocent to
know better.
…
You’re stupid, his father tells him
over and over. So he believes it.
He may be bright as Einstein. No
matter. He’ll start to feel, think
and behave like a stupid person.
Because that’s what dad told him
he is.
….
You’re lazy, his teacher tells her.
Try harder. You could do so much
better if you’d just try harder. So
she spends her life trying harder
and harder and harder.
…
There are many common curses.
….
The world is unsafe.
…
People are not to be trusted.
….
Relationships will disappoint you.
…
I run into such curses every day.
…
They don’t always emerge immediately.
Usually I need to know someone for
a while before I spot the patterns of
thinking, feeling and behavior that
suggest they may be carrying a curse.
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You’re not enough.
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You won’t succeed.
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You’re unlovable.
…
These are among the most poisonous
curses of all.
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How to lift such a curse?
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Insight usually isn’t enough.
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That’s because insights (Ah, I see how
I came to believe that) usually come
to the Adult part of the personality.
….
And it’s the Kid part that’s been
cursed.
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What the Kid requires is a corrective
emotional experience.
….
That’s an experience which directly
contradicts the false belief beneath
the curse.
….
And since curses are embedded in
a deep part of us, the contradictions
usually need to happen over and over.
.
The Kid who feels unsafe needs to
repeatedly experience safe relationships.
…
The Kid who feels inadequate needs
repeated experiences of being accepted
as-is.
…
And the Kid who feels unlovable needs
to feel unconditionally loved, not just
once, but over and over.
….
Of course, therapy with the right therapist
can provide some of these corrective
experiences.
….
But I think real recovery from a cursed
childhood requires that we seek out, or
create, such experiences in the real world.
…
Because without them it’s hard for the Kid
to unlearn the lies he or she absorbed in
childhood.
…
And because. without them, a curse can last
a lifetime.
* * *
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