How I discovered control addiction
So I’m giving this talk, and suddenly
realize I don’t know what I’m talking about.
.
I’m a new social worker, six months out
of grad school, working for a clinic attached
to a rehab. My new boss has decided I’m
the best one to run the weekly Family
Education Series, basically a crash course
in alcoholism and how it screws up families.
.
And tonight’s topic is codependency.
.
I know the topic well enough. I’ve worked
as an alcoholism counselor, treated hundreds
of codependents, can diagnose one after
five minutes of conversation.
.
But when I went to prepare this talk I found
I couldn’t define the word.
.
At work we talked about codependency
without ever stopping to explain what
we meant. And when I looked into my
half-dozen books on the subject I found
each defining it in a different way.
.
One was:
A specific condition characterized by
preoccupation and extreme dependence
on another person, activity, group,
idea, or substance. [1]
.
Another:
An emotional, psychological, and
behavioral condition that develops
as a result of an individual’s prolonged
exposure to, and practice of, a set
of oppressive rules. [2]
.
A third:
A multidimensional (physical, mental,
emotional and spiritual) condition
manifested by any suffering and
dysfunction that is associated with
or due to focusing on the needs
and behavior of others. [3]
.
A fourth:
A recognizable pattern of personality
traits, predictably found within most
members of chemically dependent
families, which are capable of creating
sufficient dysfunction to warrant the
diagnosis of Mixed Personality Disorder
as outlined in DSM-III [4],
.
which sent me off to yet another book
to learn what the hell that meant.
.
Finally I came to codependency maven
Melody Beattie, who explained that a
codependent is simply
.
a person who has let another person’s
behavior affect him or her, and who is
obsessed with controlling that person’s
behavior. [5]
.
A fine definition. Until I noticed it
describes just about everyone.
.
Having no idea which definition
would be best to offer my workshop, I
cleverly decided to present them all.
.
So here I am, having just done that.
I’ve distributed a handout with the
five definitions on it, and read them
aloud, and am now looking at a
roomful of confused faces.
.
A man in a brown corduroy jacket
raises his hand. I nod back.
.
“So what the hell is codependency?”
he asks.
.
Everyone laughs.
.
I laugh too. (Inside I’m thinking
Shoot me now.)
.
Then I shrug and hear myself say,
“Addiction to control.”
.
I am surprised at myself. I’ve never
thought of it this way before.
.
*
But Corduroy starts asking questions,
and answers are coming to me, and
it’s all making a new sort of sense.
.
I explain that I see codependents as
traumatized people convinced their
survival depends on controlling the
effects of “their” alcoholic’s illness.
So they do things like hide booze and
avoid dad at certain times of the day
and lie to his boss about why he missed
work or to the neighbors about why he
fell asleep in the driveway. From all
these experiences they come to depend
on control as a way of coping generally,
and set about applying it to everything
and everyone in their lives, to the point
where it makes them sick.
.
“Sick how?” Corduroy frowns.
.
Mainly anxious and depressed, I say.
But also worried, and tense, and irritable,
and unable to relax or have fun, or identify
and express feelings, or trust anyone, or
like themselves. And self-medicating with
food or work or helping other people or
whatever else they can think of.
.
And now Corduroy is nodding thoughtfully,
and so are others in the room, and I know
I’m onto something.
.
(To be continued.)
___________________
[1] Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse,
ChoiceMaking: For co-dependents,
adult children and spirituality s
eekers (Health Communications, 1985).
[2] Robert Subby, Lost in the shuffle:
The co-dependent reality, quoted in
Whitfield (see below).
[3] Charles Whitfield, Co-dependence:
Healing the human condition (Health
Communications, 1991).
[4] Timmen Cermak, Diagnosing
and treating co-dependence (Johnson
Institute, 1986).
[5] Melody Beattie, Codependent
no more (Harper/Hazelden, 1987).
