Hey.

You, with the banana.

Come in.

Sit. 

Visit.

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Welcome to

Monkey House. 

Hi guys,

No, it’s not a real house.

It’s a sort of experiment. 

And it’s my bright idea. 

I’ll explain:

The other day, after Steve’s session with a new client who turned out to have (surprise) control addiction, I found myself remembering the bad old days. 

I mean the days before I knew I was addicted to control.

I remembered how miserable I was, and how clueless.  How I had no idea what was hurting me.  Why I felt so anxious, and depressed, and stuck.

Then I remembered how — after realizing that I’d been making myself sick trying to control stuff that couldn’t or shouldn’t be controlled — I had no idea what to do next. 

No freaking idea. 

See, it’s one thing to notice that your Plan A is unhealthy.  It’s quite another to create a Plan B.

I remembered all the years it took me to come up with mine.  All the reading and writing, thinking and worrying.  All the mistakes.

Also the loneliness.  I remembered how often I wished there was someone to talk with about this control stuff. 

Then I thought of those of you who’ve written to us over the past year, asking the same questions that used to confuse the hell out of me.  

And I said to myself: “Self, wouldn’t it be nice it to have a place where we could talk to each other?”

And my self answered: “Yes.”

So I created Monkey House.

It’s a brand-new forum, hosted by a forum-hoster named HyperBoards, just for us monkeys.  (AKA codependents.  AKA control addicts.  AKA human beings.) 

It’s a place to connect with other monkeys who are struggling with the same pain, confusion and loneliness.  To chat, discuss, question, answer, argue, commiserate, and generally be there for each other while we try to avoid (or escape) the inevitable monkeytraps of our daily lives.

Oh yeah, and admission is free.

You’re cordially invited to visit.  

Just click here.   (Go to “Do you need to register a new member?” at the top.)  You’ll be asked to register a user name and a password and confirm that you’re human.    

Then you can pull up a chair and (if you want) reflect on our very first discussion question:

“What’s the most difficult control issue you’re facing now?”  

I can’t wait to hear your answers.

Can’t wait to see where this experiment goes.

See you at the house.

love,

Bert

PS:  New to the Monkeytraps community? Visit our home page and read START HERE.

Welcome to

Monkey House.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to group.

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You’re all nervous, I know.

That’s perfectly normal.

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You should start to relax as you get to know each other.

You have lots in common.

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So let’s start.  

Who’d like to introduce themselves first?

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I’d like to go home.

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I may throw up.

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I’d prefer a smaller group.

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Would it help if I left?

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God.  This is such bullshit.

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There.

Everyone feel better?

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* * *

Somewhere along the line, we therapists got the idea that there is such a thing as a safe space.

There is not.

Maybe, at best, there’s the “safe enough space.”  But let’s take a look at what safe often stands in for.

When someone says, “I don’t feel safe,” they are often trying to use that expression of feeling to manipulate their environment, rather than check in with us about their emotional state.

Safe is often a code word for “I want you to do something different,” such as:

Safe means you take responsibility for my lack of caution

Safe means you have to respond to me in a conscripted way

Safe means you can or can’t say things if they’ll cause an unpleasant feeling in me.

~ From “There’s no such thing as a safe place” by Mike Langlois, LICSW.

Last week,

in a secret location,

a secret meeting

was held:

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  *

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 *

Thus ended the judging

of the first-ever

Bert Mug contest. 

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AND THE 

WINNING CAPTION 

IS:

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Congratulations to

RL 

(of the great state of Florida)

who will soon receive this:

And thanks to all of you

who sent us submissions.

*

* 

 We had great fun judging them.

 *

*

(You guys are hilarious.)

* * *

I’m a therapist with an odd specialty: control issues. I see everything as related to control.

I think we’re all addicted to it, that this addiction causes most (maybe all) our emotional problems, and that any therapy worth the name helps us redefine our understanding and relationship to control.

Today a new client asked me, “How exactly do we develop this addiction?”

“We’re born that way,” I told her. “We’re born with this big, overdeveloped brain that keeps us scared and worried and trying to control everything and everybody. Sort of like a paranoid computer run amuck. In the East they call this computer monkey mind.”

That’s only half an explanation, though. Some people are obviously more controlling than others. (Think: Mom.) Why is that, if we’re all dominated by monkey mind?

The other half of the answer has to do with Plan A.

From Psychotherapy: Beyond Plan A, by Steve, recently republished on the Recovery Help Now website.

* * *

Coming Soon:

*

Monkeytraps 101:

Bert’s Crash Course in Control

which will be sent to everyone on our mailing list.

(If  you’re not on, you can get there just by

sending us an email to fritzfreud@aol.com.

with SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.)

I’m requesting a diagnosis.

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Of what?

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My marriage.

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In your professional opinion, what’s the core problem?

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Lack of faith.

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Faith?  Like in God?

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No, in relationship. 

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Explain.

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If every morning you swing your feet out of bed and find a solid floor to stand on, you develop faith in the floor. 

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bert-5

And if whenever you need them your important relationships are there for you, you develop faith in relationship.

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And if they’re not…

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You don‘t.

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Then I haven’t.

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Common problem, actually, among people who grew up in dysfunctional families.

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My wife and I both did.

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I figured.

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Can you create faith in relationship?

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If you want to.  It takes some work.

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What kind of work?

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You have to practice mutuality. 

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Another new word.  Okay, I’ll bite.  What’s “mutuality”?

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The belief that what’s good for one partner is ultimately good for the other.

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Sounds like codependency.

Actually it’s the opposite.  Codependency means you try to control each other because you expect to be disappointed or hurt.

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But mutuality means you  stop controlling, because you expect to get fed.  You have faith that whatever you give to the relationship will somehow come back to you. 

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Yes, but I don’t really believe that.

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That’s where the work comes in.  At first you have to fake it.

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Until I make it?

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Until she starts feeding you back.  After that you won’t have to fake anything.

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But what if I feed her and feed her and she never feeds me?

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Well, that would mean my theory is all wrong.

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bert-17

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And you can throw it right back in my faith. 

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* * *

bert 1

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How’s Felicia?

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Still not talking to me

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How long has it been?

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Today’s the fourth day.

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Does her silence still scare you?

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No, not really.

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How do you feel?

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Kind of sorry for her.

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How come?

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Since we stopped dancing, she seems sort of lost.  And sad.

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I see. 

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bert-7

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Does she like cookies?

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Cookies?  Sure.

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What’s her favorite?

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Those huge ones.  Chocolate chip.

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The ones big as a small pizza?

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Yeah.

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Go buy one.

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Leave it on her pillow.

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And say what?

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Nothing.  Make like the Cookie Fairy.  Leave it and fly away.

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Won’t that confuse her again?

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Maybe.  But in a good way.

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It’s not appeasement?

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No.  It’s paying attention.

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Most married people are starved for attention.  And she sounds like she needs some right now. 

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It’s not the sort of thing I usually do.

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All the more reason.

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bert-17

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You want to redefine this marriage, right?

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Right.

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That means trying new stuff.  Experimenting.  Taking risks.

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But what if she rejects my cookie?

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Well, if that happens… 

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bert

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At least you have dessert for the next two nights. 

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* * * 

ALRIGHT ALREADY.

By popular demand,
and for the browsing convenience
of its loyal readers,
Monkeytraps has begun reorganizing its archives
by creating four new pages
of links and excerpts.

So if you’re a new friend of Monkeytraps,
you can now catch up on
what you’ve been missing
about these absolutely vital topics:

The idea of control
Control & feelings
Control & relationships
Control & self-care

And if you’re an old friend,
you can refresh your memory
(and strengthen your recovery)
by revisiting these favorites:

The Talk
The idea of control
How to spot monkeytraps
Bert’s mission
Bert’s Plan A
What we mean when we talk about control
Can we talk? No, damn it
Me first. / Yes, dear.
Scratch a codependent, find a narcissist
Control isn’t power
Bert’s strawberry
Gas in California

Among others.

More to come in the future, including our new

Control & Parenting page. 

To start exploring, just click on the NEW PAGE headings.

So, I did what you suggested.

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With Felicia?

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Yes.  I stopped trying to appease her.

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therapist-2

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And I asked what she’s really angry about.

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How did she react?

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She stopped talking to me.

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Oh.  How’s that feel?

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Not sure yet.  I don’t miss the criticism.  But the silence scares me.

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Why?

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It makes me think she’s even angrier at me than she was.

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Maybe.  But probably you just confused her.

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Confused her how?

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You stopped dancing.

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Come again?

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Like most couples, you two have developed a predictable way of coping with conflict.  I call it your dance.

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And you know this how?

You described it to me last time.  Apparently it starts when she’s unhappy about something, and expresses it with a complaint or a demand.

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bert

To which you respond by trying to appease her. To which she responds with a new complaint or demand. And so on.

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That does sound familiar.

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How long does this dance usually last?

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Two, three days.  Sometimes a week.

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And how many times have you done it?

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Hundreds.  Thousands.  It never accomplishes anything.

Well, in a way it does.  It keeps things predictable.  Discharges the tension, gives you a sense of control. 

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But doesn’t solve the problem.

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True.  Dancing just maintains the status quo. 

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I’m sick of the status quo.  What do I do now?

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You already did it.  You interrupted the dance.  Now it’s her move.

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And I just wait?

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Right.

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And do nothing?

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Right.  See what happens.

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bert-18

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How do you feel about that?

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Like dancing.

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* * *

Okay, I give up.  You’ve convinced me.

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Of what?

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That control addiction is my biggest problem.

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What did it?

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Our last session.

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therapist-3

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Afterwards I realized that I really do feel like I’m always walking six dogs at once.

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Good.

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So what do we do now?

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Controlapy.

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What’s that?

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Control therapy.  My nickname for it.

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“Controlapy”?  That’s stupid.

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Yes.  But catchy.

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And I suppose that makes you a…

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Controlapist.

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(Sigh.)

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therapist

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And what does “controlapy” involve?

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Learning three things.

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First, what control addiction is and how it infects all of us.

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Second, where you personally have problems with compulsive controlling.

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And finally, how to replace control addiction with healthier coping methods.

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And you set the agenda?

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Mostly I react to what you bring in.  But I decide which sort of learning we need to focus on.

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Isn’t that, well, controlling of you?

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I suppose.

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But also controlapeutic.

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* * *

*

This blog was launched

on March 30, 2011.

Happy birthday to us.

To celebrate,

Monkeytraps

announces its first

BERT MUG

contest.

The Bert mug. Striking, no?

*

A classic collector’s item in toilet-bowl white with the iconic visage of the inimitable Bert etched in jungle-rot green.  Oh, okay.  It’s an ordinary coffee mug with a monkey cartoon on it.  But it’s free.  And we promise you’ll be the only person you know who has one.

*

*

The Bert Mug has many uses:

One use.

Another use.

Not recommended.

*

 To enter the contest, just:

(1) Sign up for the Monkeytraps mailing list by sending us an email to fritzfreud@aol.com.   Include your name and the word SUBSCRIBE in the subject line.

(2) In that same email, suggest a caption for the Bert Mug having something to do with control addiction. 

It can be serious or funny, poignant or pungent, clean or dirty, silly or profound.   For example:

*

All I want is total control. 

Is that a banana in your pocket?   

I control, therefore I am. 

Hey, that’s not the reality I ordered. 

Like that. 

Entries will be judged according to what makes the judges laugh loudest, cry hardest, think deepest, or experience instant remission of all codependent symptoms. 

Just kidding.  Send whatever you think sounds cute. 

*

CONTEST JUDGES:

STEVE

Therapist, writer, cartoonist, codependency theorist, and co-author of Monkeytraps.

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BERT

Inner monkey, career codependent, co-author of Monkeytraps, and the mug’s poster boy.

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FELICIA

Bert’s wife, soon to appear in a series of “Bert’s Therapy” couples sessions. She asked to participate in this contest, and Bert can’t say no to her.  (Should give you an idea of what the couples sessions will be like.)  Refused to be sketched for this post (“With this hair?  Are you insane?”).

COME ONE!!

COME ALL!!

 TELL YOUR FRIENDS!!

TELL YOUR FAMILY!!

(MOM ESPECIALLY!!)

GET THE LEAD OUT!!

THIS MEANS YOU!!

YES, YOU!!

I have a question.

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Shoot. 

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What’s my single biggest problem?

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Addiction to control.

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Not depression?

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Well, that’s related to the addiction.

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Not anxiety?

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Related to the addiction.

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My overeating?

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Related.

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My overworking?  Fear of other people?  Fear of my wife?

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Related.  Related.  Related. 

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All my problems are related to control addiction?

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Pretty much.

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I sound pretty screwed up.

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Actually you’re pretty ordinary.

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How so?

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We’re all addicted to control.  And it causes most of our emotional problems.

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Explain.

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There’s a part of each of us that craves control. 

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bert-11

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It’s always awake, usually scared, and constantly trying to control stuff.

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What stuff?

Everything.  External stuff, like people, places and things.  And internal stuff, like our own feelings, thoughts and behavior.

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Because it can’t accept reality as it is, it spends all its time fighting reality.  Which, of course, is a war it can’t win.  Which leaves us depressed, anxious and addicted.

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I call this part the Inner Monkey. 

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Interesting.  But it doesn’t sound like me at all.

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bert

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Have you looked in a mirror lately? 

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* * *

I remember my panic attack on the first day of kindergarten.

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I remember the bully who made me eat ants on the playground.

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I remember dad getting drunk and fighting my uncle on our front lawn.

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I remember running away from summer camp because I was so homesick.

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I remember telling a girl I loved her, and her answering “Thanks.”

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What the hell are you doing?

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Remembering.

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Why?

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I don’t know.  Bad memories just come up when I feel stressed.

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Well, stop chewing on them.

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Why?

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It’s bad mental hygiene.  You’re like a cat poking through a garbage can.

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So?

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There’s nothing nourishing there.  And you’ll just stink up your present.

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But I’m only…thinking.

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Not really.  Most of what we call thinking isn’t thinking at all.

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What is it, then?

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Random mental activity.  Automatic, aimless, illogical.  Remembering, projecting, ruminating…

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bert-12

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…obsessing, fantasizing, worrying — waste of time, mostly.  Some of it does more harm than good.

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How?

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By triggering bad feelings that have absolutely nothing to do with your current reality.

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Oh.  That.

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It’s the main reason we’re such neurotic monkeys.

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Can I do anything about it?

You can train your mind.  Meditation’s the best long-term solution.  And there are short-term tricks you can learn, like Thought Stopping.  But remember two things.

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What two things?

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Your mind has a mind of its own.  And even the sanest mind is a little nuts.

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So…

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So chew gum, not garbage.

* * *