A note from Steve:

Hi guys,  

Welcome to Q & A Thursday.

Here’s how this particular brainstorm got started: 

One night we’re sitting around talking about how tickled we both are at all the visitors who keep showing up at Monkey House. 

And I say, “I can’t believe we’re actually having conversations about control.  I mean finally.  I went through ten years — grad school plus training plus clinical practice — without getting to talk about it even once.” 

“Yeah,” Bert says.  “Isn’t it weird how everyone ignores it?”

“I know.   And it’s everywhere.  It’s the elephant in every living room.”   

“A slippery elephant, though.”

“Yes.  That’s a good word.  In fact, whenever we talk about it I worry that we’re losing or confusing people.  And it’s not like in therapy, where they can ask questions.” 

“Well,” Bert says, “you could invite them to.”

“To what?”  

“Ask questions.”   

Good old Bert. 

I think for a moment.

“That’s an idea,” I say.  “But I have a better one.  They could ask you the questions instead.”  

“Me?  Why me?”

“You’re the addict, brother.  You speak from firsthand experience.” 

“Well, yeah.  But I relapse like every ten minutes.”

“That’s my point.  You know how hard it is to recover.”

“But you know that too.”  

“It’s not the same thing.  I know it professionally.  You know it personally.   And that could help them feel less embarrassed about being addicts themselves.”

“Oh,” he says.  “Like in self-help meetings.”

“Exactly.  And one more thing.” 

“What?”

“Of the two of us, you’re more adorable.”   

Which is how I convinced him.  Because like all codependents, Bert is a secret narcissist. 

* * *

So the plan is to henceforth reserve each Thursday for Q & A with Bert. 

You provide the Q.  He (with assistance from less-adorable me) will pick those he thinks he can answer.  Then he’ll record his answers for you to hear.  

Guidelines for questions:

1. They should concern the idea of control and the role it plays in your life.  This might include control’s relationship to feelings, relationships, communication, emotional problems, parenting, physical health, self-care, spirituality, creativity and happiness.  What do you find yourself trying to control?  What do you wish you could control better?  Or control less?  You get the idea.  It’s a big elephant.

2. You can submit questions either publically or privately.  Public questions can be left in the Comments section at the end of each Monkeytraps post.  Private questions can be mailed to Steve directly at fritzfreud.com. 

3.  All questions are subject to editing for length, language and/or clarity.

* * *

Finally, Bert has something to say.  A self-introduction of sorts. 

Click here to hear it:

Hello. My name is Bert

(This is an mp3 file.  On my computer it plays automatically in Windows Media Player.  Your default player may be different.  Let me know if you have trouble playing it.  I’m not too tecchy, but maybe together we can figure it out.) 

I look forward to your questions.

Stage fright notwithstanding, I know Bert does too.

See you next Thursday.

love,

~ Steve

* * *

“A thing of beauty is a joy forever.”
~ John Keats

A Bert Mugging, cont’d.

As mentioned last time, BertMugMania has forced us to start offering these little beauties for sale.

And being altruistic as well as codependent, we’d like to do it as inexpensively as possible.

We’re currently in negotiations with several major mug manufacturers to get you the best price we can. 

And — since the more mugs we order, the cheaper they’ll be — we’re asking anyone who’s interested in buying a Bert Mug to send us an email saying, “I’m interested in buying a Bert Mug.”  

We should have a price quote by next week.  We’ll order at the end of the month. 

* * *

COMING SOON(tomorrow, actually):

Bert, as you’ve never experienced him before.

Monkeytraps.com presents

a thrilling new feature:

In which your favorite Inner Monkey

answers YOUR questions

from the depths of

his own experience

and pathology.

What’s more,

he’ll be doing it…

In his own voice.

 Yes, that’s right:

 Bert speaks. 

You don’t want to miss this.

HILARIOUS!!

EDUCATIONAL!!

PHILOSOPHICAL!!

NEUROTIC!!

 Come back tomorrow.

Because God only knows what he’ll say. 

Tee hee.

Jack’s face is red.  A vein throbs in his forehead.

Jill is pale and near tears.

They’re discussing  Tupperware.

Two minutes ago Jack said,  “I hate how it always falls out on the floor whenever I open the cabinet.”

“Well, that’s what Tupperware does,” Jill replied.

Jack frowns.  Jill tenses.  We’re off to the races. 

As a trained mental health professional I can tell that there’s more going on here than meets the eye.  Though a trained cocker spaniel would probably sense the same thing.   

I start asking questions.  Thirty minutes later I’ve learned  that Jack coped with growing up in the chaos of his dysfunctional family by becoming a perfectionist who now regularly imposes his need for order on the people around him.  And I’ve heard Jill describe how her mom used to prowl  through her personal belongings, and how nowadays the only room in Jill’s life which feels remotely like hers is the kitchen.  

Given those histories, Tupperware war was inevitable.

*

Axiomatic among therapists is the idea that most relationship problems boil down to problems with communication.

Fair enough.  But the next questions are “Where do communication problems come from?”  and “Why do they keep recurring?”  

Here’s how I see it.

Communication tends to break down whenever partners either haven’t learned or have forgotten three key principles.  The first is

(1) There’s no such thing as a grownup human being.

This is the secret truth behind the vast majority of emotional problems.  Human beings grow faster physically than psychologically, so regardless of how big or old or emotionally healthy we are there’s always part of us that retains the feelings, perceptions and vulnerabilities of the child we once were.  That part — the famous Inner Child you’ve probably heard about — is usually what gets triggered by criticism, rejection or conflict. 

And when you and I keep having the same fight over and over, it’s a fair bet that the fight is really between your Child and mine.

Which leads to the second principle:

(2) All feelings are legitimate.

This actually means two things: that all feelings make sense, and that all feelings are worthy of respect. 

Jack’s excessive anger at unruly Tupperware makes sense in light of how he’s come to associate external control with internal safety.  Jill’s anxiety at Jack’s “invasion” of her kitchen and criticism of her housekeeping makes sense in light of how it reminds her of her mom’s disregard for personal boundaries. 

Neither can help feeling what they’re feeling.  Their only real choice is between feeling them secretly or out loud.  

Which brings us to the third principle:

(3) Every conversation occurs on two levels.

Level 1 is the level of What We Talk About. 

Level 2 is the level of How We Feel When We Talk About It.

Communication tends to break down when couples are unable to leave Level 1 and drop down to Level 2.

Jack and Jill will keep fighting about Tupperware because the fight isn’t about Tupperware at all.  Tupperware’s just the trigger.  The real issues are Jack’s need for a sense of order and safety, and Jill’s need for boundaries and respect.

More than any other, this principle explains why communication problems tend to recur and why couples repeat the same fight over and over.  

When feelings are involved, Level 1 talk won’t resolve much, because Level 1 talk doesn’t address feelings.  So we’re talking about the wrong thing. 

And trying to resolve conflict by talking about the wrong thing is like mowing the tops off dandelions.  Expect a new crop tomorrow.

x

* * *  

Yesterday I drove my mother and father to the VA hospital in Albuquerque for a doctor’s appointment. 

I had never been to a VA hospital before. 

I guess I should have expected the numbers of crutches and canes, armless and legless veterans, young and weathered faces alike. 

I was personally witnessing the costs endured when humans war against each other. 

“Isn’t it odd,” I said to my mother, “that human beings war with each other?” 

Why in the world do we do that? 

Then I considered the ways in which we war on an interpersonal level.

We humans war to varying degrees with our partners, our friends, our bosses, our co-workers, our siblings, our parents—pretty much all in the name of our need to be “right” or the need not to be wrong.

~ From The freedom of not needing to be right by Hannah Eagle.

* * *

THE BERT MUG.
(Contents not included.)

Want one? 

In the wake of our recent, glorious Bert Mug contest several readers wrote to ask if they could buy a Bert Mug.

“Sure,” Steve replied.  “I can order some.  But I’ve no idea what to charge.”

Then Bert had a bright idea.

“They’re cheaper in bulk, right?” he said.  “So find out who else wants one, order a bunch and set the price accordingly.”

Steve now thinks Bert may be the smart one in the family after all.

Anyway, that’s what we’re doing. 

If you’d like an original, not-available-in-stores (or anywhere else on the planet) Bert Mug, let us know sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Steve’s email is fritzfreud@aol.com. 

We’ll place our order at the end of the month.

A closer look before deciding?  Here you go:

* * *

Noted

Lieberman watched the movie, trying to remember the name of the actor talking to Joan Crawford.

“Grandpa?” 

“Yeah.”

“You think my father is an asshole?”

Lieberman looked at his gandson, considered the question, and scratched his chin.  

“No,” said Lieberman.  “Who said he was?”

Barry shrugged.

“You heard your mother tell someone on the phone.”

Barry nodded.

“Your father is not an asshole.  Nor is your mother.  They are both stubborn, confused, directionless, and self-destructive.  That is the human condition.  Watch this part here.  Joan Crawford’s eyes.  The way they go up.”

~ Stuart M. Kaminsky, Lieberman’s Day (Henry Holt, 1994).

intro 10 high

I roll out of bed after a dream-filled night.  I stagger to the kitchen, find my favorite mug, pour myself coffee.  Oh sweet nectar of life.

I’m adding sugar when I first hear the sound.  A tiny squeak, like a mouse crying.  I stop to listen.  The sound goes away. 

I resume adding sugar.  I hear the squeak again.  Again I stop.  Again the squeak evaporates. 

“What the fuck,” I say aloud. 

Do I believe in ghosts?  I never thought about it before this. 

I reach for the creamer.  Again the mouse cries.   

I look down.  The tiny cry is coming from my bare feet, squeaking on the kitchen floor. 

* * *

Yes, I believe in ghosts.

I don’t mean the barefoot kind.  Not the “Paranormal Files” kind, either.

I mean the ones we inherit or create in our minds.  The kind that haunts most of us, most of our lives.

I believe in them because I spend most of my days with haunted people.

~ Frank’s father was an angry, critical man with a keen eye for the inadequacies of others.  Perfectionism is the ghost Frank inherited.  It’s made him a workaholic, terrified of failure and rejection.

~ Gail’s mom was depressed and emotionally unavailable all through Gail’s childhood and adolescence.  Helplessness is the ghost Gail inherited.  It’s made her a career codependent, compulsively drawn to find and rescue emotionally damaged friends, lovers and strangers.  

~ Hope is 16; her mom is a 38-year-old narcissist trying to recapture her youth by partying with friends each night and cheating on her husband.  The ghost Hope inherited is the conviction I Am Unloveable.  It’s made her a bulimic who occasionally cuts herself with razors. 

~ Ian’s parents fought constantly while they were married, battled through their divorce, and continued to bicker afterwards.  Fear of Conflict is that ghost Ian inherited.  This family version of combat fatigue (aka PTSD) left him unable to assert himself in virtually any situation.   

~ My own family never had enough money when I was growing up.  Today I wrestle with a ghost I’ve named Not Enough to Go Around.  It emerges to squeak in my ear whenever I fantasize about trying to make a profit, like raising fees or writing an ebook and offering it for sale.    

Therapy with haunted people amounts to teaching them to better distinguish outside from inside.  (This is a confusion common to all control addicts, who regularly confuse the two.)   That’s because haunted people are absolutely convinced the ghosts exist outside — out there in the real world.  We don’t realize that we import them into each new situation.

How to stop doing that?  It varies from person to person.  But the first step is always the same: 

Identify the ghost as a ghost.   As a belief, a prejudice, an anxiety we project onto the world.

One last thought:

The truth is, as much as they scare us, we love our ghosts. 

They seem to explain something, and in a familiar way.  There’s odd comfort in that.  We adore our explanations. 

That’s why we hold onto them so tight.  That’s why it takes work to see them for what they really are, and authentic courage to let go of them.

Excuse me now.   I have to go write.

x

* * * 

x

The mind is its own place, and in it self
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.

~ John Milton

x

* * *

x

Actual control means the ability to dictate or transform external circumstances — make people, place and things behave as we like.

Sense of control means feeling competent, grounded, secure and calm inside — in control of one’s internal state.

Put another way: actual control describes something we achieve out in the world, while sense of control describes something we achieve in our heads.

“So what?” you ask. “Why is this distinction important?”

Because actual control and sense of control are achieved by quite different methods.

Because chasing one makes you healthy, while chasing the other makes you sick.

And because one’s a lot easier to come by than the other.

~ From What we mean when we talk about control: Outside, inside by Steve Hauptman. 

x

* * *

Postscript:

x

x 

I hear hammering. 

Yeah, me too.

What is it?

Renovation at Monkey House.

What are they building?

A new wing. 

What for?

Can’t tell you.  It’s a secret.

What’s this, some control game? 

Yes.

So you’re manipulating me.

Yep.  Stay tuned.

123

* * *

Do you allow yourself to cry when you need to?

If you do, you are aware of the benefits it has on your emotional and physical well-being.

If you don’t, you may not be in touch with your feelings and, in turn, may not allow your child to experience their feelings.

~ From Naturally healing through crying by Holly Kretschmer

* * *

Anderson: I find it really hard to cry, except occasionally, like, beyond my control. But I always found it — especially when I was your age, Kyle — kind of a difficult thing. You say it’s a good thing, though.

Kyle: I think it’s a good thing. Because when something happens to you, it just is great to cry. Crying helps you. You are not weak. You are strong.

~ From The importance of crying at andersoncooper.com (1:15).

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* * *

Here’s my tip: If your child cries and it’s obviously through experiencing an overwhelming emotion, be there with them.

They need to know it’s ok to express themselves, and that you accept their feelings.

Strong emotions are scary for children; the worst thing you can do is tell them to stop or send them somewhere to deal with them alone.  Naughty corners and time-outs can be harmful for this very reason.

A child needs their caregiver to tell them it’s ok and listen to them vent their feelings.  Try not to distract them or disregard their feelings.  What might seem trivial to you may be disastrous for them.

Just be there with them, and let them know it’s ok to cry, and that you love them no matter what.

~ From The importance of crying at naturalfamilytoday.com.

Introducing a new cartoon series

about secret thoughts:

The Dark

___________

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Can’t sleep?

Not every one of these insomnia remedies alone will get you to sleep, but a few of them at least should prove successful. Needless to say, there’s no guarantee, and no attempt to provide medical advice, but the feedback we’ve received indicates they’ve been very helpful for many people.

~ From Can’t sleep?  Insomnia tips, insomnia remedies and (just maybe) insomnia cures to help you sleep at www.well.com.

* * *

Overheard

(in the Kitchen)

at Monkey House:

When I’m in emotional pain, I notice that I hurt myself… 

If self-care were represented as a linear continuum with self-harm (destroy) being on one and and self-care (create) on the other, I would have to say that I regularly and naturally gravitate towards the destruction end. 

It’s like there’s a big magnet on the self-harm end and it really takes a tremendous effort for me to take up residence on the creation, or self-care side….

 Monkey House.

Click here ^. 

Join the conversation.

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Don’t look now, but:

WE’RE ALREADY MOVING.

Glitches reported by new members trying to join our new Monkey House forum (hosted by HyperBoards) suggest that maybe we needed a new home.

So we moved.  Our new site is  also called MONKEY HOUSE (and subtitled “Because we’re all monkeys on this bus”), and you can find it here:

http://monkeyhouseforum.wordpress.com/

It’s a WordPress site, and so Monkeytraps’s new sister.

We hope and expect Monkeytraps and Monkey House will cross-pollinate.

We also expect it will give us more room to spread out.  Already we’ve created five new rooms (still unfurnished — anyone got a spare Mr. Coffee?) where you can go to meet and talk about the control issues that most bedevil you, including

The idea of control
Control and feelings
Control and relationships
Control and parenting
Control and self-care

And then there’s the sixth, called The bathroom.  Strictly for venting. Frustrated?  Furious?  Depressed?  Dump it here, friend.  Just close the door when you leave.

Come one.

Come all.

Tell your friends.

See you at the house.

love,
~ Bert & Steve

Hey.

You, with the banana.

Come in.

Sit. 

Visit.

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Welcome to

Monkey House. 

Hi guys,

No, it’s not a real house.

It’s a sort of experiment. 

And it’s my bright idea. 

I’ll explain:

The other day, after Steve’s session with a new client who turned out to have (surprise) control addiction, I found myself remembering the bad old days. 

I mean the days before I knew I was addicted to control.

I remembered how miserable I was, and how clueless.  How I had no idea what was hurting me.  Why I felt so anxious, and depressed, and stuck.

Then I remembered how — after realizing that I’d been making myself sick trying to control stuff that couldn’t or shouldn’t be controlled — I had no idea what to do next. 

No freaking idea. 

See, it’s one thing to notice that your Plan A is unhealthy.  It’s quite another to create a Plan B.

I remembered all the years it took me to come up with mine.  All the reading and writing, thinking and worrying.  All the mistakes.

Also the loneliness.  I remembered how often I wished there was someone to talk with about this control stuff. 

Then I thought of those of you who’ve written to us over the past year, asking the same questions that used to confuse the hell out of me.  

And I said to myself: “Self, wouldn’t it be nice it to have a place where we could talk to each other?”

And my self answered: “Yes.”

So I created Monkey House.

It’s a brand-new forum, hosted by a forum-hoster named HyperBoards, just for us monkeys.  (AKA codependents.  AKA control addicts.  AKA human beings.) 

It’s a place to connect with other monkeys who are struggling with the same pain, confusion and loneliness.  To chat, discuss, question, answer, argue, commiserate, and generally be there for each other while we try to avoid (or escape) the inevitable monkeytraps of our daily lives.

Oh yeah, and admission is free.

You’re cordially invited to visit.  

Just click here.   (Go to “Do you need to register a new member?” at the top.)  You’ll be asked to register a user name and a password and confirm that you’re human.    

Then you can pull up a chair and (if you want) reflect on our very first discussion question:

“What’s the most difficult control issue you’re facing now?”  

I can’t wait to hear your answers.

Can’t wait to see where this experiment goes.

See you at the house.

love,

Bert

PS:  New to the Monkeytraps community? Visit our home page and read START HERE.

Welcome to

Monkey House.

Hi, everyone.

Welcome to group.

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You’re all nervous, I know.

That’s perfectly normal.

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You should start to relax as you get to know each other.

You have lots in common.

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So let’s start.  

Who’d like to introduce themselves first?

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I’d like to go home.

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I may throw up.

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I’d prefer a smaller group.

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Would it help if I left?

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God.  This is such bullshit.

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There.

Everyone feel better?

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* * *

Somewhere along the line, we therapists got the idea that there is such a thing as a safe space.

There is not.

Maybe, at best, there’s the “safe enough space.”  But let’s take a look at what safe often stands in for.

When someone says, “I don’t feel safe,” they are often trying to use that expression of feeling to manipulate their environment, rather than check in with us about their emotional state.

Safe is often a code word for “I want you to do something different,” such as:

Safe means you take responsibility for my lack of caution

Safe means you have to respond to me in a conscripted way

Safe means you can or can’t say things if they’ll cause an unpleasant feeling in me.

~ From “There’s no such thing as a safe place” by Mike Langlois, LICSW.