“If I know I’m crazy, does that

mean I’m not?”

Interesting question. Why do

you ask?

I’m not asking, I’m quoting. I just

read that in a book.

What kind of book?

A mystery, actually. It’s about this

Thai cop trying to solve a murder

and practice Buddhism at the

same time.*

And does your Buddhist cop

answer the question?

No. Can you?

Yes: No.

No, as in knowing I’m crazy

doesn’t mean I’m not crazy?

Right.

Why doesn’t it?

Does finding a hole in your tooth

make the cavity vanish?

No.

Same thing. Noticing something

doesn’t make it go away.

Self-awareness can take you just

so far. I’ve had plenty of clients

who like to say they’re working

on their problems when they’re

really just thinking about them.

But real recovery takes work.

What kind of work?

The uncomfortable kind.

Why uncomfortable?

Because emotional problems

tend to come from avoiding

discomfort. So facing discomfort

is part of recovery.

Discomfort as in…

Owning mistakes, facing

our limitations, accepting

responsibility, becoming

vulnerable, taking risks.

That sort of thing.

I’d rather skip all that.

That’s how most people feel.

Look around you. How many

healthy people do you know?

Not many.

But when does it end?

Recovery work?

Yes.

If you’re doing it right, never.

Never? There’s no graduation?

No Nirvana to attain? No Emerald

City you reach?

Nope. Just the Yellow Brick Road.

Hmm. So what do I do?

You choose. You can keep trying

to dodge life’s discomfort,

or you can…

hit the road.

*The Godfather of Katmandu by John Burdett.

Okay, so I’m emotionally

constipated.

How do I get unconstipated?

You’ve already begun.

I have? When?

Remember when we talked

 about how you felt

towards your boss?

And you let yourself

express your anger at him?*

*Session 18

Yes. That felt great.

That was you

unconstipating yourself.

But I can’t go around

expressing anger all

the time.

Or crying whenever

I’m sad. Or running

out of scary movies.

No, but you don’t need to,

any more than you need

to spend your life on the toilet.

You just need to

become regular.

Regular?

Practice getting feelings

out on a regular basis…

in a safe place at first.

Like here?

Like here.

That’s enough?

 To start. Then over time it

gets easier to do elsewhere

and in other relationships.

And eventually you stop being

scared of feelings and learn

to see them as friends.

This will take a while,

won’t it?

It takes as long as it takes.

Why? You have something

more important to do?

Apparently not.

Constipated? What do you mean,

constipated?

Have you ever been

physically constipated?

Had to go, but couldn’t?

Sure.

Remember how the longer it

lasted the more uncomfortable

you got? Until it was all

you could think of?

Of course.

Well, feelings are like shit.

They’re meant to be

expelled, not stored up

in the body. 

And when we don’t express

them they don’t just go away.

They go into storage and

build up pressure.

And we experience that

pressure as symptoms.

What symptoms?

Anxiety and depression

usually come first.

Then there are physical

symptoms like fatigue,

headache…

stomachache, backache…

frequent colds, high blood

pressure, ulcers…

irritable bowel, cancer…

Yikes.

Take you, for example.

What do you feel

when you’re depressed?

Tired, mainly.

And?

And my heart hurts.

And?

My brain won’t shut off.

And?

I kind of hate myself.

I just feel shitty in general.

Shitty. Exactly.

So you’re saying I’m depressed

because…

I’m full of shit.

Stop with the hammer already.

Self-abuse is just another

symptom.

You’re not bad, you’re constipated.

(TO BE CONTINUED.)

You say I need to get

interested in feelings?

Correct.

How?

You start paying

attention to them.

And I do that by…

Start listening to your body.

That’s where the feelings live.

Explain.

We have physical reactions

to what we experience.

All animals do.

That’s unavoidable.

But, unlike animals,

humans must decide

what to do with them.

Decide?

Yes. Whether to express

 or bury them.

Can I cry if I’m with

other people?

If I get angry at my

boss can I yell at him?

If the movie scares me

can I run out of

the theater?

I get it.

We’re all taught there

are times we need

to bury our feelings

Unfortunately some of

us are trained to do it

all of the time.

Some of us?

Like kids raised in

alcoholic or abusive

or narcissistic families…

where expressing feelings

can be dangerous.

And what happens

to them?

They grow up…

constipated.

(TO BE CONTINUED.)

How are you today?

Not happy.

How come?

I don’t have what I want.

And what is it you want?

A less angry wife.

And a job that pays better.

And a son who can pass Math.

And to be twenty pounds thinner.

And a reason to smile occasionally.

To feel happier, you mean.

Yeah.

Any suggestions?

Just one.

Redefine happiness.

Redefine?

Yes. Stop thinking of happiness

as about getting what

you want.

Try thinking of it as about

having what you need.

What difference would that make?

Let’s see.

Would you rather be underpaid

or unemployed?

Underpaid.

Would you rather have an

angry wife or be divorced?

Have an angry wife.

Would you rather have a Math

dunce for a son or no son at all?

I’d rather have the dunce.

Would you rather be overweight

or have a terminal illness?

Overweight.

Congratulations. Sounds like

you already have at least some

of what you need.

Plus maybe even…

a reason to smile.

I feel like crap.

How come?

So many reasons.

My wife says I’m insensitive,

so I feel like a bad husband.

I don’t make enough money,

so I feel like a financial failure.

My son’s flunking Math, so I

feel like I’m doing something

wrong as a father.

I don’t have the time or energy

to clean my garage or fix what

needs fixing at my house…

so I feel lazy or irresponsible

or something.

And I’m twenty pounds overweight.

And you tell me I’m out of touch

with my feelings. So I feel like I’m

flunking therapy.

So I feel like crap.

A big, fat, smelly piece of…

Do you do this often?

Do what?

Beat yourself up in this way.

Yeah, lately.

Thought so.

Well, if you’re going to do it, you

might as well do it right.

See that drawer next to you?

Open it and take out what you find.

This?

Yes.

What is it?

It’s a gift. You can take it with you.

Thanks. What’s it for?

I’ll show you.

Place your hand on the desk…

and give it a good whack with

the hammer.

Are you crazy? That would destroy

my hand.

Temporarily.

But eventually the pain would go

away. And the hand would heal

in about six weeks.

But what you’re doing now — beating

yourself up, labeling yourself a

failure — is self-abuse, and that’s

even more self-destructive.

It doesn’t make you stronger or smarter

or braver or productive. It just

drains your energy and causes pain.

Huh.

That’s some gift.

You’re welcome.

You might at least put a bow on it.

“Bull in a china shop”? What does

that mean?

Just that you don’t know what

you’re doing.

Emotionally speaking, I mean.

I get it. Because I’m numb to

my own feelings.

Right.

Which leaves me numb to my wife’s

feelings.

Right.

And to my kids’ feelings, and

everyone else’s.

Yes, unfortunately.

So what can I do about it?

You get interested.

In feelings.

Right.

I really don’t want to.

I don’t blame you.

You don’t?

Nope. Moving from numbness into

feelings is no walk in the park.

It takes guts to face all that

stuff you’ve been burying.

Do I have a choice?

Of course you do. There are always

choices.

What choices?

Choice 1, do nothing. Hope your marriage

survives and your kids don’t grow up

emotionally deprived.

Choice 2, shift from bull to bully. Demand

that your family accept your numbness,

blame them if they complain about it.

Some guys try that.

Anything else?

Choice 3, develop symptoms. Become

anxious or depressed or chronically

angry.

I think I may have started on that one.

Choice 4, develop an addiction.

I don’t drink or drug.

No problem.There’s always food.

Or work, that’s a popular male option.

Or you could spend your life in

front of screens. Tv, internet, games,

Facebook, chat rooms, porn.

You know.

I know.

Or you could get interested.

In feelings.

In feelings.

So. What’s your preference?

(Silence.)

(More silence.)

Good choice.

How are things at home?

My wife’s still mad at me.

Are you still snoring?

Nope. Now I wear a snore strip.

So she’s mad at something else?

Yes.

What’s she mad at?

She says I’m insensitive to her feelings.

Why does she say that?

Shit, I don’t know.

I think I’m a sensitive guy.

Sensitive how?

Every birthday I buy her a card.

Every anniversary I buy her flowers.

On Valentine’s Day I buy her

a big box of chocolates.

And, you know, now I’m wearing

the snore strip.

Which really itches.

I even remember to put the toilet

seat down, most of the time.

What else does she want from me?

That’s a good question. Have you

asked her?

No.

Do you two talk very much?

Sure, we talk plenty.

When was the last time?

Just before I came here.

What did you talk about?

I said, “Okay, I’m leaving for therapy now.”

And she said, “Thank you, Jesus.”

(TO BE CONTINUED.)

So how’s your marriage going?

Not well.

Why not?

I’m married to an angry woman.

Why is she angry?

Lots of reasons.

Name one.

She says I lack empathy.

What does that mean?

Damned if I know.

I go to work, I pay the bills,

I mow the lawn.

I do what I’m supposed to do.

What’s so important about empathy?

Do you know what “empathy” means?

Not really. Something to do with feelings.

Let’s come back to that.

Why else might she be angry?

She says I snore.

How bad?

Really bad, she says.

Have you ever slept with a snorer?

No.

Okay. Let’s try an experiment.

I’ll be you. You be your wife.

Okay.

Close your eyes and pretend

you’re trying to sleep.

Okay.

Ready?

Ready.

Ugg.

Ugggg.

Ugggggggg.

UGGGGGG.

UGGGGG.

UGGGGGGGGGGG.

UGGGGGGGGGG

GGGGGGGGGGG.

Holy mother of God.

I can’t believe she hasn’t divorced me.

Congratulations.

What you’re feeling is called “empathy.”

So, Bert.

How are you feeling?

Hard to say.

Why?

I’m very emotional lately.

Kind of all over the place.

I see that.

So can you tell me…

How long…

you’ve been experiencing…

mood swings?

What’s a mood swing?

You look upset.

Bad day at work.

What happened?

Boss yelled at me.

Sounds uncomfortable.

How are you feeling?

Guilty.

Why did the boss yell?

I’m not really sure. Having

a bad day, I guess.

He’s like that.

But why do you feel guilty?

I don’t know. I just do.

Did they yell at you when

you were a kid?

They did.

And how did you feel

when that happened?

Guilty.

Like now.

I guess.

Well, I’m not sure that’s

guilt you’re feeling.

What else could it be?

Anger. Internalized anger

feels like guilt.

It does?

Yes. Swallowing anger is like

swallowing poison.

It doesn’t just go away. It stays

inside and eats holes in you,

and the holes feel like guilt.

And some people spend their

whole lives feeling guilty

without understanding why..

Well, I’ve always been

a pretty guilty person.

I see. Tell me, what kind of

a person is your boss?

He’s an asshole.

What makes him an asshole?

He’s a bully. He likes to make fun

of people and make them feel small.

And how do you feel

when he does that?

Angry.

How angry?

Very angry. Sick-to-my-stomach angry.

To where I can’t stand looking at him.

I really hate that guy.

What did you say?

I hate him.

Say that again.

I hate him.

Say it louder.

I hate him.

Louder.

I HATE HIM.

HATE HATE HATE

HATE HATE HATE

HATE HATE HATE.

Good.

Breathe.

How do you feel now?

Better.

Still guilty?

Not at all.

Good.

Does that always work?

Pretty much, when the guilt

comes from suppressed anger.

Speaking of which…

How do you feel about your parents?

Can I tell you a secret?

Of course.

I have low self-esteem.

I want high self-esteem.

Can you help me with that?

Nope.

You can’t?

No. I don’t believe in self-esteem.

You don’t?

Yeah. I think it’s a myth.

People think they’re supposed to

have high self-esteem.

And they feel inadequate

when they don’t.

The truth is, I don’t have self-esteem,

and I’ve never met anyone who does.

Really?

Really.

It’s one of those impossible goals

we set for ourselves.

Some people say they have it.

I know. I don’t believe them.

I assume either that they’re lying…

or engaged in wishful thinking…

or they’re narcissists, hiding

a secret emptiness…

or they just lack self-awareness.

What kind of self-awareness?

Anyone with self-awareness knows

how screwed up they are.

How often they act out of fear,

or ignorance, or selfishness,

or childhood conditioning…

and how regularly they fall

short of being the person

they want to be.

And they can provide you

with a long list of their mistakes,

failures and disappointments.

And if they can’t, or won’t,

they’re just in denial.

Because, my friend, we’re all broken.

Broken is the human condition.

So “high self-esteem” is just an

unrealistic goal.

You want a goal,

there’s a better one.

What?

Self-acceptance.

What’s the difference?

Self-esteem says, “I’m wonderful,

I’m special.” Self-acceptance says,

“Maybe I’m not wonderful or

special, but I can live with it.”

(Silence.)

Sorry to disappoint you.

No. it’s okay.

I can live with it.

So you’re married.

I am.

And your wife’s name is Felicia.

Correct. But I don’t call her that.

I call her Babe.

Bert and Babe. Cute.

And you have kids?

Yes, a son and daughter.

What’s your son’s name?

Barry.

And your daughter’s?

Bunny.

Hmm.

I’m sensing a pattern here.

We also have a dog.

Named…

Bonzo.

Of course.

Excuse me?

Just curious.

What’s your favorite color?

Burgandy.

Favorite sport?

Bowling.

Favorite music?

The blues.

Composer?

Bach.

Holiday?

My birthday.

Favorite meal?

Burgers.

Favorite movie?

Ben-Hur.

Favorite singer?

Barry Manilow.

Also Bette Midler.

Actor?

Ben Kingsley.

Actress?

Bette Davis.

English prime minister?

Benjamin Disraeli.

Favorite type of coal?

Bituminous.

(Sigh.)

You sighed. Why did you sigh?

Control addicts find comfort in

the familiar and the predictable.

It reduces their anxiety around

having to make choices or decisions.

It also makes them rigid. They get

trapped in their comfort zone.

So?

Has anyone ever described

you as predictable?

(Pause).

Bite me.