…

Listen to the audio version: https://stevehauptman.substack.com/p/the-psychology-of-holes

*

It’s supposed to go like this:

…..

We’re supposed to grow up in a good-enough

family, one nurturing enough to provide

adequate supplies of the 4 A’s:

…..

attention

acceptance

approval

affection

…..

The 4 A’s are the basic components of

love.

…..

If we get enough of these components,

we fill up in childhood, just like kids

fill up with good food.

…..

And we enter adulthood feeling reasonably

solid, reasonably valuable and lovable

and confident in our dealing with others.

…..

But if we grow up in a not-enough family

— one burdened by abuse, or addiction,

or mental illness, or parents who dislike

each other or themselves or their children

—  several things happen:

….

…..

1. We enter adulthood emotionally hungry,

carrying unmet needs that appear as holes

in our confidence and self-esteem.

…..

2. This hunger is so painful that it forces

us to try and fill those holes by getting our

needs met by others.

…..

3. We do this unconsciously, unaware of

why we feel how we feel or do what we

do or how it impacts the people around us.

….

4. We also do it covertly, hiding our true

motives from ourselves and others, trying

to control and manipulate other people

into feeding us what we didn’t get as kids.

….

5. Others often sense our hidden agenda

— even when they don’t understand it —

and react defensively by rejecting us or

distancing themselves.

….

6. The rejection and distancing increases

our hunger, triggering another round of

unconscious controlling and manipulation,

often followed by more distancing and

rejection.

….

This circular process continues until we

recognize what we’re doing and learn better

ways of getting our emotional needs met.

…

I’ve known many, many people like this.

….

I’ve been one myself.

.,…

There’s no shame in it. 

….

Emotional hunger is the common cold

of emotional problems.

…

But if I’ve learned anything about this

whole business, it’s this:

….

We will never feel adequately loved

until we finally identify our unhealed

holes and understand the ways in which

we keep ourselves hungry.