…
Listen to the audio version: https://stevehauptman.substack.com/p/the-psychology-of-holes
*
It’s supposed to go like this:
…..
We’re supposed to grow up in a good-enough
family, one nurturing enough to provide
adequate supplies of the 4 A’s:
…..
attention
acceptance
approval
affection
…..
The 4 A’s are the basic components of
love.
…..
If we get enough of these components,
we fill up in childhood, just like kids
fill up with good food.
…..
And we enter adulthood feeling reasonably
solid, reasonably valuable and lovable
and confident in our dealing with others.
…..
But if we grow up in a not-enough family
— one burdened by abuse, or addiction,
or mental illness, or parents who dislike
each other or themselves or their children
— several things happen:
….
…..
1. We enter adulthood emotionally hungry,
carrying unmet needs that appear as holes
in our confidence and self-esteem.
…..
2. This hunger is so painful that it forces
us to try and fill those holes by getting our
needs met by others.
…..
3. We do this unconsciously, unaware of
why we feel how we feel or do what we
do or how it impacts the people around us.
….
4. We also do it covertly, hiding our true
motives from ourselves and others, trying
to control and manipulate other people
into feeding us what we didn’t get as kids.
….
5. Others often sense our hidden agenda
— even when they don’t understand it —
and react defensively by rejecting us or
distancing themselves.
….
6. The rejection and distancing increases
our hunger, triggering another round of
unconscious controlling and manipulation,
often followed by more distancing and
rejection.
….
This circular process continues until we
recognize what we’re doing and learn better
ways of getting our emotional needs met.
…
I’ve known many, many people like this.
….
I’ve been one myself.
.,…
There’s no shame in it.
….
Emotional hunger is the common cold
of emotional problems.
…
But if I’ve learned anything about this
whole business, it’s this:
….
We will never feel adequately loved
until we finally identify our unhealed
holes and understand the ways in which
we keep ourselves hungry.
