.
No, control and power are not
the same thing.
.
Control means being able
to dictate reality. To force
life itself — people, situations,
outcomes — to meet our needs
and satisfy our expectations.
.
But power means being able
to take care of yourself.
.
To get your needs met without
losing yourself in the process.
.
To not just survive, but to heal,
and grow, and be happy.
.
They’re not just different,
control and power.
.
Sometimes they’re opposites:
.
~ Power is a real possibility,
where control is often an illusion.
~ Power is healthy, where
controlling if often pathological.
~ Power generates energy, where
controlling drains it.
~ Power is rooted in self-acceptance
and self-confidence, where controlling
grows out of insecurity and fear.
~ Power makes you stronger; controlling
weakens you, can even make you sick.
~ Power attracts people to one another,
where controlling tends to drive them apart.
.
But the most important difference
between them is,
~ Power is something only adults can
develop, where controlling is the basic
survival skill of kids.
.
Think about it. If I’m a kid, I can’t
take care of myself. I need big people
for that – to feed me, clothe me, protect
me, love me. Without big people, I die.
.
And because I know this at the
deepest level, I learn early on to stay
on their good side. To please and
appease them, avoid their anger,
meet their expectations. To be what
big people want me to be, instead
of who I am.
.
This is inevitable.
.
It’s also how control addicts are born.
.
Because control addicts keep feeling
and functioning like kids instead of
developing personal power. They keep
pleasing and appeasing and manipulating
the way children do. Or they try to hide
their insecurity behind dominating or
bullying or abuse.
.
What they don’t do is come out
of hiding, reveal both their strength
and their vulnerability, never learn
to be themselves out loud.
.
Externally they look like adults. Inside
they still feel like kids who need support,
approval or permission from big people.
.
Recovery is about reversing this.
.
Recovery is about finally growing up inside.
*
Adapted from the forthcoming Second Editon:
